The emotions waiver.
Daily, hourly, every minute, in between seconds.
The height of excitement, the hollow underground of astonishment.
Denial, disbelief, unadulterated bliss.
The never-ending confusion, followed by supreme understanding.
The constant, the fleeting.
Everyday is different, but everyday I fall.
Maybe this is love.
To be quite honest, I never thought I was worthy of love. Lust, infatuation, yes, often, but love... no it wasn't in the stars for me. I tried so hard for years to recreate the fantasies of happily ever after that replayed continuously in my mind. Make it work, try, force it until it fits and then self-destruction. Every single time I lost a piece of myself. Pride stripped away. Head riddled with doubt. Self-loathing, lack of self, no value. For lack of a better word, every failed attempt was my fault. I, no matter how much I wanted it, was not worthy of love.
God has jokes. The Universe will play you. Life will continue to make a mockery of you until you finally reach the point where you lose that hope. (Not really, but really.) The desire will fade, and then BOOM, it happens. Not when you wanted it, not when you forced it, but right when it was supposed to happen. Albeit the timing will be perfectly imperfect, never when you wanted it, only when it was supposed to happen. Right now, not then, not before and definitely not after. But right when it is supposed to...
Then one day you'll open your eyes and realize that you've spent the last hour laughing hysterically, inside jokes of course... nothing even remotely funny to anyone else but the two of you. The hours will have turned into days, weeks, months, years even. Eventually. They will appreciate your humor. Quality time. Togetherness, not always perfect but willing to work. He will always be willing to work, to make things work with you. And finally, you'll look up and realize that you have neglected your blog for two months, but made a host of memories learning to be accepted, living, deservingly, because you're worth it, to each other, to yourself, and to your love.
