I'd be lying if I said the holidays always left me filled with sunshine, lollipops and rainbows everywhere. I love coming together as a family, but sometimes it is overwhelming.
In the early days, before my cousins and I grew up... before we were tarnished by loss and separation, holidays were split between Texas and Louisiana. The majority of my family still resides in Louisiana, so we would make the trek there for Christmas, and they would journey to Texas for Thanksgiving.
Over the years my mother has struggled to keep that tradition alive, despite a lot of opposition. Not fights, but other options like going to New Orleans for the Bayou Classic or just not being able to make it over. I miss the old days when togetherness meant something. I miss the days when everyone was here, enjoying one another and reminiscing at the good times. Times have changed, and unfortunately not for the better. Sometimes gatherings feel forced. Other times there is so much unspoken grief in the room that you choke on your words, and have literally nothing to say. It's like the stress of the world has torn at you so much throughout the year, that you are bare and ragged by the time the holidays roll around. My vision of family has faded so tremendously that I'm afraid that the term will cease to exist, and we will all end up alone with nothing in our corner. I refuse to accept that sentence, and I may well just be feeling overly dramatic tonight, but I really feel the need to pray for the black family as a whole.
But, I digress. Whoops. Definitely wasn't trying to make this out to be a depressing post. But.... Just had to get that off my chest.
Anyways.......
My good friend from undergrad joined my family and I for Thanksgiving again this year. I'm so thankful that she came over, and I doubt if she even realizes how much her presence meant to me. She kept my sister and I laughing, and helped me avoid having to answer a million questions about where my ex boyfriend was, have I talked to him and had I met anyone new (nope, sorry..still haven't). These are real conversations. A year and a half later of being single and this is still a hot topic convo at times. Was there a time limit of how long I had to get a new man? Because obviously I'm doing something wrong. But back on topic. I'm rambling......
We had a blast hanging out, laughing with my cousin and nephew and just eating & enjoying.
After the day ended, we made our way to Boheme for late night drinks & surprisingly our favorite flat bread pizza. Like we hadn't eaten enough already, hahahaha. They had the heaters blasting and we chatted it up outside and enjoyed the cold.
By the time I made it home, the drunk messages began from my ex boyfriend. Maybe it's easier to tell someone how you're feeling when you're wasted. Although my cousins husband, told me earlier in the day that he has a new girlfriend...why he mentioned that I don't know-- that's another story for another day... Guess his day wasn't as eventful as I had pictured in my head after all.
Moving along.....
I didn't partake in any Black Friday activities. I took off work, so I had plenty of time to go shopping Tuesday and Wednesday. I finished all of my Christmas shopping!! I'm excited about that, and that also means I have more time to focus on some gifts for me.
My Saturday morning was filled with running errands with my mother and sister, then watching my alma mater demolish Grambling at the Bayou Classic in New Orleans.
Later that night, I went out with a friend for drinks. I won't be doing that again.
I think drinks should be designated for good times, not when you are already feeling down.
No good can come from that.
Today has been filled with sleep. I've been off a week, yet I feel completely mentally and physically drained. I'm so excited to get back to the grind and go into the office tomorrow. I miss court. I need to be submerged in the hustle and bustle of everyday life again. It's crazy how I looked forward to being off, and now I can't wait to be busy again.
Being busy keeps my mind off of things. I can't believe it's already December. I don't want to seem like a negative Nancy, but geesh. This year. My goodness. So many good things which I have to give God the glory for, but still so much that I wish I didn't have to deal with.
I've done what I've thought I was supposed to. I hate to seem like I'm complaining because Lord knows I'm blessed beyond measure, but I still can't help but ask when will it be my time? People see the happy posts, and pictures and see me always doing something but don't realize it's because I have to avoid being still. I would much rather be curled up in my pajamas reading a book all day anyday. Then it's those moments when I roll over and I am haunted by everything I had, and everything that I still desire.
I want to apologize for my moment of truth because it sounds so selfish reading it out loud but it is my personal reality.
I'm planning to finish this year strong and have a lot of things planned for this month. So many events this week leading up to my school playing in the SWAC championship game this Saturday, as well as a bunch of holiday parties and birthday celebrations.
I'm looking forward to a busy December and a bright 2014. I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving, and is full equipped to end this year strong.
