Life.

"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away."

-Frida Kahlo

I've struggled with writing lately. My desire to put into words the realities of life, the idea that words make things real, the fact that these last few weeks have indeed been my life -- actual reality.... So much life, and loss... and living.

My best friend from college delivered her baby the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And then it was December.  As with life, the arrival of someone new is usually met with the departure of another... Sometimes it is expected, an elderly relative, a freak accident that shocks you to the core, or someone just randomly slipping away in their sleep with no notice or regard. But this go round, the news came from every direction possible. 

To even begin, I would need to start from the beginning. 

About six or seven years ago, my circle of friends was ridiculously large, and even more so complicated. I had my friends from high school, my friends from undergraduate, my friends from law school and my friends from life all vying for my time and attention. I'd spent the last three years of life shackled to my legal studies, so when I finally was licensed and free, my time was highly sought after by those who had been neglected. Instead of managing my time between friends and my relationship with my ex, I tried to kill two birds with one stone and hang out with everyone equally, together.... At the same time. 

Sometimes it worked, other times not so much. A lot of lessons were learned during that period of my life. I learned a lot about myself, and the definition of true friendship. In the end, I ended up losing a large sector of these friends. I lost my two closest friends from college, and in the midst of losing them, I lost one of my good friends from law school. I didn't speak to any of the three after the fall out. Radio silence for years, outside of the random chatter of he said, she said. I harbored hurt and anger for years, until eventually that faded to silence. Until December... 

With December, the unexpected news broke that one of my former friends had died of cardiac arrest... 

To be honest, I didn't know how to feel. I'd spent the last 5 years plus holding on to the anger of our ended friendship. We were no longer friends. Not even remotely, but we were at one point in time, and she was gone. I felt numb, and then I felt angry that I would never get the chance to ask her what the problem had been or why she stopped being my friend, and then I felt guilty. After the guilt came indifference... Who was I to grieve for someone who stopped being my friend, and had in turn hurt me tremendously?

We went out for dinner the night we learned of her death. Dinner turned into happy hour, and happy hour turned into a full on release of all the emotions I'd been holding onto inside. I allowed myself to cry. I released the anger I'd held on to for all those years, and I let the tears flow freely for the ghost of friendships past.... 

As friends and other classmates heard of the untimely passing, people began to reach out to others for information. My friend told me that one of my former friends had reached out to her, and something in me told me to tell her to call me. Minutes later my phone rang, and I heard the voice of my former best friend from college for the first time in six years. We didn't dwell on what went wrong, we expressed condolences, and the olive branch was extended to end this silent existence. Although it will take time before that bond can be fully restored, it gave me peace to atleast know that that chapter in life could be closed without unspoken words or unexpressed hurt. It felt good to have that release. I felt a shift in the balance...

But December was not done... within days after another life was lost, this time to a battle with cancer, then the day after that another friend would lose her grandmother, and then a classmate from my high school was murdered, and the stream of rest in peace and tributes continued to pour in, and still seem to pour. December has been brutal.... 

But in all of the loss, insight has been gained... 

First off, life is too short for grudges and words unsaid. Don't waste years being angry or hurt by something without letting the person know. Life isn't promised and it definitely shouldn't be spent holding on to any emotions that don't benefit you for the better. 

Life is short. Be kind, be nice and give love to everyone. You never know who needs your kindness. Don't doubt the impact you could have on anyone you encounter. 

Don't be above forgiveness. Sometimes life and situations come full circle, and you're given the chance to make it right before it's too late. Take the chance if your heart tells you to. 

Release it, and be open. Love your life. Give everyday your all. Enjoy each day, as days are limited. Just live. Live your best life, as December has taught me that we're only here for a short time and we must make the best of the time we have here.  

This is life.....

We gain, we lose, we gain again. 

We continue to live. 

It's a must. 

It's life. 

Sedona

For my birthday, the thing I desired most was peace. I did a lot of research of places I could go to for a quick weekend trip, but the mountains kept calling my name and I eventually decided on Sedona, Arizona. First all, I'd like to go on the record and say Sedona is literally the most beautiful place I have ever seen in real life. The stark contrast between Phoenix and Sedona is mind blowing, and I am happy I was able to experience it.

I flew into Phoenix, and once my best friend from law school landed, we headed straight to Sedona. The drive was dark and very scary mountainous. I've never driven in the mountains before, so I was a little horrified to say the least at being on a one lane highway at a 4000 ft elevation going up and down, and up and up and up and up and down, for over an hour. By the time we made it, the temperature had dropped drastically, so we checked into our hotel quickly, layered up and headed to get food. We ate like Kings, giggled, and were probably in bed sound asleep before midnight. We had no real agenda outside of finding our happy. Basically, I needed an Eat, Pray, Love kind of weekend, so that was our goal. Sedona is not very well-lit at night time, so we were not quite prepared for what we would see when the sun came up the next day.

It was breath-taking to say the least....



The Red Rocks of Sedona are the perfect backdrop for zen. The energy is the most peaceful I've ever experienced. Sedona is literally everything.

While we were there we ate, shopped, hiked Sugar Loaf Summit and Thunder Mountain, visited the Cathedral Rock vortex, prayed at the Buddist stupa, stumbled across a random estate sale at the bottom of the Cathedral Rock vortex, and really just enjoyed the freedom of being there with no plans or responsibilities.

This trip was everything that I needed and more & I cannot wait to go back when I need another life recharge. I'm also happy for my time spent in Phoenix, catching up with a close friend from law school who recently relocated there. Some reunions are essential to the soul...

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35

I've been 35 for exactly one month now. I'd like to say that in the month since my birthday I've gained a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, but really I've just been ridiculously busy at work and tired than a motherfucker. Had you asked me ten years ago what my life would look like at 35, I probably would've said something nowhere near remotely close to my current state of existence. My 15 year old self would be even more off the mark than me at 25. The 15 year old version of myself was convinced that I would be married to an NFL player, have two children and live in a mansion in Atlanta. Big dreams back then.. In my head I was the first Housewife of Atlanta... then again I was also an officer in Future Homemakers of America in high school, if that tells you anything about where my mind was as I religiously cheered on my HS boyfriend during his football games. I'd like to say that I'm happy where I'm at, in this place, in my 35th year of life. Granted, I would've loved to have been rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, I'm good in my own little piece of the world... And who knows, maybe that dream will still come true, and if it doesn't, well I'm still good. But I digress...



I knew last year that I wanted to celebrate my birthday elsewhere. My dream had always been to celebrate my 35th birthday in Morocco/Portugal, but that dream didn't quite come into fruition, so I picked another location that has always been on my bucket list, that didn't require as much planning, or funds to get there. I wanted it to be a solo trip or just a trip with one other person as I feel as if I have reached my group trip quota for now, but I still wanted to do something simple with my friends before I left that weekend for my birthday trip. I spent my actual birthday with my family, and then hosted a happy hour in honor of my birthday the next night at Howl at the Moon.






I wanted to add a little something extra to the occasion, so I had a friend of mine make a commemorative mix CD for everyone in attendance. Every song represented some time in my life and held some significance. From my love of the Notorious BIG, to the song I listened to every morning while studying for the bar exam, to a memorable Mardi Gras, to the theme song of the show I used to watch everyday as a child (and the namesake for my fathers nickname for me before he got sick, Punky Brewster) to a song by one of my favorite artist, Selena. It's been forever since I have actually played a CD in my car, especially not an old school burn CD! I love that I was able to pull it off, and I was happy to give everyone a piece of me, as all of those songs have played an important role in who I am today at 35.



I'm not a big fan of birthday dinners anymore, not since the infamous worst birthday of 2012. I feel like I enjoy the intimacy of small dinners these days more so than the over the top, invite everybody you know, make sure you bring cash because they don't split tabs birthdays. I feel more comfortable in a come as you are, leave when you want to setting, without having to think too hard about who gets along well with who, where do you sit kind of planning that takes away from the enjoyment of celebrating your birthday. This way I was able to mix and mingle, and not feel the shift in energy whenever a huge group gets together to break bread at a sit down dinner when everyone isn't already friends with each other. (Note, if you can bring all of your friends together and they all instantly click, then you my friend are truly blessed. For some reason, I have like 5 different sets of friends, and not all of them get along, so I tend to overthink any combined group outings.)





The drinks flowed freely, the laughter was abundant, and the cupcakes my sister made for me were delicious. It was exactly the easy-going, free spirited evening that my soul desired to bring in 35. After the party, I came home, wandered around my apartment trying to pack and got the chance to sit down with myself and read through the cards I'd received and really just reflect on the fact that I had just turned thirty-five years old.



Thirty-five is not what I imagined, and I'm fine with that. I've lived a lot in these thirty-five years, seen a lot, and definitely experienced a lot. I'm happy that I'm not living the life I had envisioned for myself at 15, or 20, 25 or even 30 for that matter... My vision is sometimes too small, what I've always thought I've wanted, the universe has given me better. The people I thought I needed in my life to be happy or be successful, the Lord has removed them, led me to others, and replaced the ones who didn't belong with others who did.. and even when I fought hard to be around some, I still learned lessons that I needed to from those choices I made, and that too has helped shatter my vision and give me an even better reality.

I'm a work in progress. Still, at 35, I'm not done growing, nowhere near complete with the evolution and there are changes being made everyday. This year I want to be better, and I will. I want to experience better, so I am. My vision for 35, will be way different by the time this year is over and I'm grateful for that. Life is all about living, and with living comes change. I may not like it, but it will all be necessary in the end.

I'm 35, and I'm grateful.

To Be Honest...

To be honest, so much went down in November, that I almost don't even know where to begin with this post. I could take the easy route, upload a crap load of pictures, call it a November re-cap and just pretend like I'm on track for December, but that wouldn't be fun. Blogging has been hard lately. Yes, I have been busy, and life as always has had its share of hectic moments, but definitely still not excusable. I had the bright idea to delete the Blogger App off my phone. It was slow, not really allowing me to upload anything and pretty much just getting on my nerves. I probably should have checked to make sure there was another application for me to download that would make blogging on the go easier, but alas I have not found that app. And now, I'm rambling.

Anyways....

Houston Walk to End Alzheimer's 2016-

The #WalkToEndALZ has become somewhat of a birthday kick-off tradition for me. For the last three years, I've served as a team captain and raised money to support the efforts of the Houston Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. The cause is very near and dear to my heart, and it definitely brings me joy to do what I can until there is no need.

Our walk team was smaller than it was the last few years, but we managed to exceed our fundraising goal for the 3rd year in a row. I've decided that even if I have to make that walk alone, and raise all the money I can by myself, I will regardless of who joins in on my efforts. It's just that important to me.

"Standing alone, doesn't mean that I am alone. It means I am strong enough to handle things all by myself."

~2016 Jewels of Essence- Ladies of Distinction Awards Gala~

Contrary to popular belief, I am a very humble person. I actually hate attention, and typically move in silence in regards to my accomplishments, career and other aspects of my personal life. When I was nominated to receive recognition for my achievements, both in the community and profession, my first thought was that I was no where near deserving. I am my own biggest critic, so in my head I really began to question what exactly could I have done for recognition?

Aside from the sheer embarrassment of being center stage while receiving this honor, I had to inform other people I would be awarded and get them to come fill up the table that was reserved on my behalf.

Let's just say it was a process...

First and foremost, everybody is not going to be down for the cause, especially when it's not a reason that directly benefits them.
Most were receptive, offered congratulations and immediately sent payments for tickets. Simple & genuine...

Others, not so much.

I was pretty let down by some of the reactions I received, from people making wise cracks, to just asking what type of food would be served, to just flat out ignoring my request. I guess I expected more, when I typically am a person who is always down for the cause when it really matters. But this go round, it was definitely a moment when the right people were exactly where they were supposed to be.

The event turned out well and I am beyond grateful for the push in the right direction, even though I give myself too much grief in lieu of acknowledging just how far I truly have come. Maybe I already am in the right direction, and this wasn't necessarily a push, but more so a quick glance down at my map just to make certain I was still on the right path.

My first few days in November started off with a bang. From participating in an event that I am passionate about, to being awarded for my achievements, the prelude to my birthday week gave me everything I needed to walk into 35 with my head held high.

November- realization, affirmation, gratitude.