A Learning Curve

Many say the definition of insanity is someone doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results each time. Needless to say, I've been called insane too many times to count in my thirty-something years of living and learning in this lifetime. I'm hardheaded. I want what I want, I need what I don't. I'm easily distracted by all the pretty things, by the beards. I get my rocks off on limitations. Tell me I can't have something (or someone) and of course it is my life mission to prove to the world myself ... Well, prove to someone that I can indeed have what eludes me. I still haven't figured out who I'm proving this to or why, but I digress...

As I sit and reflect on my year, I realize that twenty-seventeen was filled with a lot of repetition. A lot of it was self-inflicted, with me making a conscious effort to continue behaviors or find myself in situations where I knew the likelihood of a repeat outcome were more likely than not. Other times, I believe the optimist hidden deep below the surface of my usual pessimism just saw that small glimmer of hope and genuinely believed that maybe things would turn out differently that go round. Granted, I was usually wrong. But in the midst of my failing to adhere to my resounding intuition, I finally came to the realization that all of the insanity I subjected myself to, the same thing, over and over again... accepting whatever just because I hate waving that white flag in surrender, ignoring signs, disregarding vibes, silent acquiescent... It was all necessary for me to finally learn an important lesson that had been escaping me for far too long. This last bout of insanity was necessary.

Contrary to popular belief, we all fall short of perfection. We aren't dropped into this world with a "My Life for Dummies" manual and enough pocket change to make it until we finally land our pre-ordained forever careers. As much as I love 'The Giver' please have read that book or at least seen the movie that is just not how our existence was meant to be. We have to figure things out on our own. A lot of mistakes have to be made, a lot of fuck ups, with even more what the fucks. Life is hard. Some of us learn our lessons the first go round, then there are others like myself who find themselves on that learning curve where it damn near takes an anvil falling on our heads to get the point. And that's okay.

A learning curve. That phenomenon where the same task is repeated continuously in a series of trials, or when a body of knowledge has to be learned over time. Some lessons take time to grasp. Some take pain, tears and confusion. Others may feel like a lot of time wasted, but in essence that time ultimately was spent making sure that all the knowledge that needed to be imparted in you truly was.

A learning curve.

My 2017 was exposure. I was gifted the same sets of problems wrapped in different packages. I was exposed to the bad, but in those moments I was finally able to recognize the good. People will continue to treat you the same way over and over again if you allow them to. To an extent, yes it is insane to stay in a situation that is completely breaking you. But in the midst of such, that learning curve is exposing you to the things you don't want while equally cultivating in you the things that you then learn that you need. For me it took a lot of realization on my part to finally see for myself the things I was settling for. Ultimately it was accepting responsibility for my actions that truly enlightened me. This year I was forced to ask myself why I was accepting so much less than I deserved. I had to face reality head on and truly take a moment to reassess my worth, and for me, self-worth was so important that it took time for me to master it. Self-worth was my body of knowledge that this year intended for me to master. It took time, but for the first time I am able to verbalize my desires and set boundaries for the things I am willing to accept in my life. Twenty-seventeen was liberating, and as it's ending I am thankful that I learned the lessons I needed to in Order to recognize the rewards that obviously lay at the end of that curve for me. Innuendo, don't mind if I do...

I struggled this year to be consistent. My doubts and insecurities sometimes overshadowed my reasoning, but in the end I am grateful. I am grateful for the direction. I trust myself enough now to trust the path that I'm on. I've finally made it to the other side of the learning curve and this year I did not curve out. I'm learning to accept the lessons, but most importantly I am learning to trust myself and my process. I'm not insane, I'm just in need of thorough instruction, with the promise of a gold star at the end of the lesson.

I'm ready for the reward.

No titles, just feelings...

As far as days go, one hundred and eight have passed since I last graced the pages of this sacred place. Life has been intensity, it's been peace. It's been solitude, it's been camaraderie. It's been excitement, it's been hope. It's been tragedy... It's been grammatically incorrect.
The days have been long and at times the nights even longer. I've tried and failed, liked and lusted, and in the midst of it all still found time to find my way back to myself. Needless to say, I have lived a lot during my time away. And as such, the pain associated with growth and change has held firmly to my collar in attempts of slowing down the process. I want to embrace change. I am hopeful. Almost as hopeful as I am resistant, but still hopeful.

I hate the month long hiatuses where I fail to forever commemorate the various benchmarks in my life. I wish there were more ways to record my undying need to trust my intuition and all of the mishaps that aided in this revolution. I'm here and I'm ready. Most importantly I'm real. In my heart I know I will forever be one who carries their emotions on their sleeve. But these last few months, this year really has taught me how to trust my emotions a little less than I trust my intellect. I am love. Love is all I desire most, so obviously it will be highly sought after. My love though, does not mean that I will continue to be accepting of any and every energy thrown in my direction. Be steadfast. Trust your first mind, your first impression... Just, trust you.

There is no rhyme or reason behind my musings. I just know I want these last few weeks of the year to be a reflection of all I have been through and grown through. I need love. Selfish love, self love. More than just artificial, unauthentic love. Consistency. Willingness. I need passion...
The eloquence of a breakdown is almost as beautiful as a breakthrough. These last few weeks have been release, they have been clarity, they have been hope. About the other things, I will relive them when the time comes. Until then I will bask in these feelings and embrace what is to come.

With love.