Daddy.

People always say that losing a parent is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. I can fully attest that losing a parent who is physically still here with you is just as hard.

Watching someone lose themselves, the love, the trust, the memories, every piece of everything that makes them, them..... The frustration, the confusion, the bewilderment of not knowing where you are... The paranoia, the blank expression that used to be filled with love and admiration from daddy... Fading away.

Glimmers of you peak through, but the you in "you" dulls as each day progresses. The anger, the sheer moments of painstaking rage.. You were so much in control of taking care of us, that it kills you to have these roles reserved. You were strength, you were my hero, my motivation, the one who kept me on track, who pushed me, inspired me.... but today do you even remember my name?

Sickness robs you of your sanity, your reasoning, your wit.... your cool demeanor, the charming personality... the man who without failure always told me I was beautiful and encouraged me to do my best.... every. single. day. A father, constantly involved... Make daddy some A's... You're beautiful, your're smart, you're my world. Truly daddy's little girl. Spoiled.

Spoiled by him, and it is literally killing me to see him disappear each day. Memories fade... Moments disappear. Time frozen, but in a time before I existed. The past. Long term memories. The yesteryears. You remember the past, but not the part that I was a part of.

A time before daddy's little girl stole your heart. Moments of remembrance are fleeting. I long for that bond. I yearn for the moments taken for granted.

And while they're leaving you,

I still cling to the memories of,

Daddy.

It's hard watching someone you love disappear right before your eyes.
Not all diseases are physical and take a toll on your body.
Some diseases creep up on you in the form of misplaced keys, forgetting where you parked, paying that bill twice, struggling to say the right word....

That leads to anxiety, stress, misdiagnosis....
Confusion.

Slowing down of cognitive functions, until it's too late to slow down the progression.

There is no cure.

Alzheimer's is a despicable disease.

You already stole one grandmother,

& now you have come after Daddy.

Mood.

And then, all of a sudden it was August.

Yet, despite the fact that time has been moving at a rapid pace, I feel like this has been one of the longest summers ever.

And I am over it.

Things haven't been all bad, and I am beyond grateful for that. But the bad, has definitely been bad.

But I digress.

The good...

I recently got a puppy.

The bad: him.

Introducing Pepper, my miniature schnauzer. He was born the same day my grandmother passed away, and from the moment my friend posted a picture of him and his siblings, I knew he had to be mine. His brother, Cosmo, also came to join the family & is with my goddaughter.

Having a puppy around has been a nice distraction from all of the everyday happenings, but it is hard. He is a furry ball of naughty mischief. How something so small could have so much personality still baffles me, but I look forward to watching him grow out of the stage he is in now into becoming a man smart adult dog.

He's super adorable, but definitely bad.

But I love him nonetheless.

Planning: My friends and I leave for Dubai/Abu Dhabi/New Delhi, India in less than one month. The planning is.... a lot. This is my first trip over seas, and I am not only nervous about being so far away, but also trying to figure out everything I need to do to get ready for our trip.

Coordinating amongst the four of us who are going, has been interesting & I am looking forward to our trip finally getting here.

The anticipation, coupled with the preparation has me on edge. I'm just ready to go & enjoy at this point.

Feeling: Stressed.

I've tried to battle the feelings of anxiety and stress coming over me, but it has truly been hard. I have to literally tell myself to calm down, so I won't completely lose it. And so far, so good.... but still. I feel like it won't take much at this point.

Praying & meditating. Trying to make a conscious effort to control my thoughts and emotions.

I feel like life came at me so hard, that I backed away from being faithful & praying like I used to.

I've slowly but surely come around. I feel more confident that things will work out for my good...for all of our good, but alas my humanity has been strong, thus weakening my spirit.

I'm getting back on track though.

Reading... Has kept me calm. Book club meetings have provided an outlet. It's easy to escape your reality when submerged in someone else's....


My mood: Random. All over the place. Grasping for balance. Forcing myself to smile, even when my heart is crying loudly from the inside and my brain is yelling obscenities from within my head. Trying to find an outlet. Trying to focus on bettering myself....

But we are going to be alright. I am going to be alright.

And then one day, August will come around again & I'll be in a much different mood.

& the right now won't seem as bad.

It will actually be better.