God's Timing..........

Over and over again, The Lord has proven that regardless of what I am going through He will always make a way for me. Even when I don't acknowledge the doors He has opened, or I attribute those minor happenings to luck or circumstance, He always continues to have my best interest at heart.

I've heard so many stories of everything just falling into place. The moments we stop planning, or trying to make things happen is when the miracles tend to occur. But why do we struggle so hard with trying to control things? I know without action, there will be no progress. I also know that with all action we must trust wholeheartedly in the abilities and the vision that has been placed inside of us. But how do we get to the point where we can truly let go and release all control? Is that the definition of faith?

I went to a speed-networking event last night, where attorneys licensed 5 years or less got the chance to sit down with more seasoned Judges & attorneys and ask them various questions about their journey. The majority of advice I received was encouraging, but there were a few conversations that left me feeling some type of way..some type of way. But seriously. I had the chance to speak to one of the only African-American female federal court judges, and she told me point blank that I need to start being fabulous... Easier said than done, but she was 100% serious. I spoke with another gentleman who had been practicing for over 15 years. He told me that I "need to get my life together" because I've been licensed too long to not know what I want to do for the remainder of my legal career. Yet another conversation that left me feeling some type of way.... I'm pretty sure their intentions were well, but maybe I didn't receive the message the way they intended. I feel like I've literally been struggling to desperately get my life together the last few years. From studying hard to become licensed, to getting fed up with job-hunting and rolling the dice to start my own practice...only to be faced with the decision to stop what I was doing to accept an opportunity with a firm doing a fellowship, to finally coming up on the end of my fellowship grant period to get hired by the firm I am currently with. My path hasn't been as straight and paved as most of the lawyers I met last night, but it's been my own. I try not to dwell on the should of, could of, would of scenarios when I look back on how things have worked out for me. I try not to let others critic my path too much, because they don't necessarily understand the moves I had to make to get to where I am. I may not be 100% certain of where I want to go, but I do 100% understand that all of those moves were designed specifically for me by God. I've cried so many tears, just wondering when something is going to happen. I've beat myself up so often just wondering when my big break would occur. I have even had moments where I cursed myself for even wanting to become an attorney, as it seems like it was more of a burden than a blessing. I told myself that while I was in law school gaining debt, everyone else was starting their lives and families. I convinced myself that I had to settle for the strays, because men are intimidated by the term attorney. I even got into the habit of telling people I met that I worked at the courthouse, just to avoid the awkwardness of explaining exactly what it is I actually do. I've avoided the praise, and downplayed the accomplishments I have made just because I didn't see them as "enough" as odd as that actually seems. But why? I have been blessed so tremendously, why would I ever want to downplay a gift from God. And then I feel guilty, because even as I type this I realize that 'that' is exactly what I've been doing. So maybe Judge was right, I do need to start being fabulous, feeling fabulous and realizing that a lot of the accomplishments I downplay have been fabulous... Hmm, epiphany or nah?

My faith needs to strengthen. I need to realize the strides I have made..... But I also need to realize that I cannot compare my walk, nor can I try to take short cuts or left turns on red.... I need to continue to acknowledge that God's timing has always been perfect, creating the right opportunities and chances.... Even when I have tried to rush things, and do things my own way instead of what I knew was right, everything has worked out in the end. I need to pray more, and just believe. There are so many desires in my heart, and He knows them all. I just need to be patient and realize that in His time, not mine, everything will work out for my good.

--Trust in the Lord with all thine Heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and he shall direct thy path.

I'm in prayer for so many things. I want to make moves career wise, spiritually and personally. Life is like that I guess. We waste so much time wanting more, that we neglect what we already have. But would the vision have been implanted in us if we were to never bring it to pass? Faith is essential. Please continue to guide me Lord.......

Words.

Inspiration comes in so many forms. It can be in a casual conversation with a friend, or even the words of a stranger. Sometimes it only takes a few syllables to convey a powerful message. It can be so simple, or even just a few letters written out that can give your situation so much more meaning. Words are very powerful. I think that may be one of the reasons I enjoy reading so much.

Today was a Books & Brunch day... Our book club met up to discuss our February read, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. I wasn't quite sure what to expect with this book, especially since it is technically considered a young adult novel. Fortunately, I was pleasantly surprised. It's definitely an easy read, and there were moments where I had to put the book down to prevent tears from falling from my eyes..but overall a good star crossed love story. I enjoyed Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet when I was in high school, and this book gave me the same feeling I got from reading that all those years ago. Life. It's just, life.

After we discussed our read, a friend of mine who just wrote his first book stopped by our meeting to discuss what he has going on in his world. He wrote a children's book detailing his WALK (as in literally walking) from Texas to California. It took him 4 months to walk all those miles in hopes of raising awareness for homelessness. He wants to inspire children to be aware of issues around them, and give them hope that they can actually do something to change the world. His words were very inspiring, and thought provoking.... The meeting has been over for hours, and I'm still thinking of what exactly I can do to play a part in something so much greater than myself.

I've been reflecting a lot lately. This month has been a lot, but I feel like slowly but surely I am getting back to feeling like myself. Slowing down is essential. I can't always keep looking towards the future and failing to appreciate the moment, the present. Life should be enjoyed, but not at fast pace. I'd rather savor the moments...even if they come at their own pace. My pace. Words are very powerful, and I need to pay attention to the ones I keep telling myself.

VDay and all that Jazz...

My week has been pretty quiet, but I did have some Valentine's Day fun with a few friends. Thursday night, we went to an event at the Mosaic & Friday night we had dinner at one of our favorite spots, Chuy's. It was all very low-key, but we still decided to make the most of it & enjoy our intimate dinner. My friend also gave me the best Valentine's gift ever, my fake engagement ring along with the perfect proposal. Saturday, I literally did not leave the bed for more than probably a total of 30 minutes all day. I was just drained & felt the need to disconnect for the day. I woke up refreshed this morning, and hung out with my guy friend the majority of the day. Since I have to work in the morning, despite it being President's Day I have pretty much chilled out watching the NBA All-Star on TV....

It's so hard for me to just chill out, but I am definitely taking the advice of the majority of you ladies & just enjoying this time to myself. I guess it really does seem like the grass is always greener on the other side, but I definitely do not want to take this moment in time for granted. The Lord definitely has a plan for my life, and I want to enjoy the journey just as much as the final destination. I just feel like I'm always in a rush to do everything. I want the world, but don't want to take the time to get there. Patience has always been my downfall. I need to walk by faith. Even when there were barriers, He always made a way for me & I just need to remember that. For the remainder of the month I am turning all the way down, and taking the time to reflect and be steadfast in prayer. February is almost over, and I definitely need to get my life before it ends :)

busy.

I told my friend the other night that I feel like all I do is work, read, watch Law & Order & go to happy hour. She said that sounded like perfection, minus the whole being single part. Parts of me agree with that, but then there is always that underlying feeling of loneliness. Idle time usually sends my mind racing into the unknown. My biggest fears reside in the unknown. The wondering, the second-guessing, it all lives in those moments of quiet solitude. I guess staying busy is my coping mechanism. But I'm tired. I don't think I can continue running myself ragged simply because I don't want to feel the loneliness. I promised myself I would continue to keep a positive outlook on life, but does that mean that I'm not allowed to have moments of vulnerability? I can try to fill my time with busy... I can keep going, and going & going, but eventually won't I crash? I find myself feeling guilty for wanting more. Why can't I just be content, with contentment? Maybe the grass just looks greener on the other side, or maybe I'm just feeling extra emotional tonight... I'm not really sure, I just hope this moment passes as quickly as it came upon me. Until then, I'll remain busy...

And with that being said, busy...the definition of these last few days of my life.

Last Thursday, my book club had a meeting wherein we discussed The Husband's Secret, by Liane Moriarty. The book started out slow, and there were quite a few characters to keep up with. Once the story picked up a bit, it all began to make sense how all the characters lives were woven together & it was revealed just how big of a secret that husband was keeping. It was a great read, and led to a lot of discussion by the group as to whether it should be made into a movie or not. We chose The Fault in Our Stars by John Green for our February read....

After the meeting was over, we made a detour for The Chocolate Bar. Not really sure why, but after the frozen maitai's I guess it just felt like a good idea. We bought chocolate, and marveled over all of the novelty chocolate items inside...

For some reason I cannot remember Friday....And I didn't take any pictures to evidence it ever existing, but I'm sure it did.

I woke up late Saturday, and spent the daytime hours celebrating my sister's birthday and the evening hours catching up with my friend who had just made it into town. He was tired from driving, and I was just tired from all the busy so there was more sleeping than catching up.

The weather was terrible Sunday. It was super cold & rainy. My friend and I ran around for a few hours, before I met up with my girlfriends for dinner/Super Bowl half-time show watching... The food was amazing, the game not-so-much.

We spent the majority of our time eating, listening to music, trying to remember the choreography to the Bunny Hop & just laughing. I was falling asleep on the floor before 10, so I knew it was time for me to officially head home to retire for the evening. I feel like I was asleep before my head hit my pillow...

The majority of my day today was spent working, over-analyzing & over-thinking... oh, and creating the mood that I've been in since I left my office & currently still reside in. Maybe blame it on the rain, or maybe I should cue up my favorite episode of Saved By the Bell and just ravish in my Jessi Spano moment...please reference YouTube if you don't remember that episode, "I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so excited" or maybe I've just been too busy....