Transitioning...

I’ve called my little piece of the internet home for quite some time now! It’s been a place that’s kept me sane and grounded in the middle of a lot of situations. Well I decided this past weekend that it was time to find a new place to house my writing, so I took the plunge and moved!

Please come join in as I transition to this new chapter in life! Come see! WWW.FRENEEHAMILTON.COM

And finally it was November...

Them: What's been going on since your last blog post?

Me:

I endured thirty days of sleepless nights.
Cried fifty days in a row. Unstoppable tears.
Hid myself from the world for weeks.
Obsessed over those one hundred and sixty five days straight that he told me he loved me.
Tried to relive the days where I must’ve seen some clue or felt some change.
Counted the mornings where the first thing he did was roll over and kiss me.
Traced back steps looking for moments that should’ve caused doubt in my mind.
But nothing.
September completely broke me.
His words were foreign to my ears.
We had always spoken the same language until that day.
Oh, September.
October came and I floated amongst hours trying to keep it together for myself, for others.
Nobody wants to see the lights dimmed on someone who shines so brightly.
Glowed even, before him.
But on this day, the 1st day of November, I pledge to not give away another second of my time.
I cannot keep asking why.
I do not need to know why.
No more time trying to diagnose the disorder that caused him to play a role so perfectly.
So precisely that I did not know he was acting.
Today I will start a new countdown.
It will have nothing to do with what was.
A punctuation mark will mark the ending and beginning of a new month.
And finally it was November...


These last few weeks/month brought with it a lot of changes. Some good, a lot bad, but most importantly, one that is life altering. The trajectory of my life literally changed right before my eyes. What I thought was to be my forever shook me sternly into the present. My alleged reality, caused the Universe to laugh in my face. I was content, comfortable. I knew what I wanted and had convinced myself that I needed to look no further for everything to just fall into place. Then things changed. A chapter in my life closed and a brand new one opened. I was presented with the opportunity to make my life long dream come true. So I collected every bit of strength that I still left in my body and made it happen. As such, November will see the birth of my first publication. An Ode, which is a collection of poetry that I've been working on these last couple of years. If you've followed my blog you know that I love to be transparent and written words are the easiest way for me to express myself. I'm so excited for this body of work to be available to everyone, because I think it truly embodies the essence of myself and how I have approached love all these years. Throughout this time I have learned a lot about myself and those around me. I have a village of people who have nothing but my best interest at heart, people who believe in me and people who want nothing but to see me reach my greatest potential. On that same accord, a lot of people have showed me their true colors, let me know that they were not meant to be there for me when I couldn't be there for myself, thus not needing a place with me when I am 100% whole. People said hurtful things trying to lure me out of my depression, tough love. Others just full out gave up on me because I wasn't able to give them the energy that I typically would, and that's fine. That's life. We are all still blessed.

November is my favorite month. I always say I live for November. I didn't think I would make it this year, but here I am, and I'm better for it.

#OdeIsComing

To Be Not In...

I’ve been in love before.
Madly, deeply, passionately and irrationally in love.
That love consumed me.
It clouded my judgement.
It interfered with my sensibility.
In love, I lost my identity.
I lost myself.
I became jaded by the unfounded ideology that my existence was based on that love.
My being was all inclusive, an overarching reflection of it and what being in it gave me.
I couldn’t live without it.
I died so many times from suffocation, asphyxiation, starvation, drowned even.
All to be reborn and regenerated, hoping to restart that process again.
It gets tiring.
That state of being in is stagnant.
In love is reckless.
I was reckless.
So deep in love had me overlooking signs.
It had me ignoring my intuition.
Falsely leading me to believe that I couldn’t live without that other person in my life.
I don’t want to be in love with you.
But I do want to love you.
With reason, with rationale, with regard.
Purposefully.
I don’t want to be lost in you.
I want to compliment you, assist you.
Guide each other down our own paths.
Appreciate each other. Respect. Value.
Have adventures with you that don’t require anxiety, or pressure, or expectation.
I don’t want to fall in.
I just want it to be.
Love. @notorious_fal

Because I deserve...

Perception.

While some aspire to portray a sense of perfection to the world, others are okay with moments of transparency and truth.

I fall into that latter category.

I know there are those that see the smiles, the glow, the everyday strides that I share with others, sometimes the frustration, but always the realness. Then in my mind, it's how I see myself and the life I have curated to share with others. Those two worlds don't always collide completely. I hold back. I refrain. I reserve the sacred spaces to the point of no return, no visibility, bottled in, without light. In darkness I hold on to all the good. I cling to it as if it will fall through my fingers if I loosen my grip. I question its authenticity. I always wonder the what if scenario... I stay within my means fearing expansion. I lay low to ward off resentment from others. In a sense, I talk myself out of happy...

I have a confession-

I'm sometimes afraid of being too happy.

I don't know what event in my life sparked that fear. Maybe I was exposed to life too soon. Reality, loss, inequality... I can't pinpoint the moment, but I have always been perceptive to difference. I've seen people struggle just as much as I have seen them triumph, and I have always wondered how it was decided as to who would get to live a great life, or who deserved to be loved wholly and completely. Whether it be privilege, or lineage that concept has always weighed over my head. When I was younger I would try my best to make myself small. Not because I felt small, but because I thought others would dislike me if I were to shine too brightly or be too big, too much. In doing so I gave up on a lot of opportunities. I didn't take risks. I followed others and thought the only way I would make it was to piggyback off their dreams. I'd marry a football player. He would take care of us. I want this opportunity, but I'm too scared to speak up to get it. I won't try. I probably can't. This isn't meant for me. My family won't allow this, I don't deserve this greatness. I had to fit in, standing out is bad. I did this for years. I assimilated. I played dumb. I accepted less than what I deserved, because who is to say I deserve it anyway?

I think differently.
I am different.
My differences make me unique.
My uniqueness is what creates the very essence of my being.
My being here is purposeful.
My purpose is to thrive.
Thriving consists of letting go.
Letting go requires me to let go of doubt.
Doubt is what makes me question my happiness.
Happiness should never be taken for granted.
If I take it for granted...

I will not take it for granted.

Slowly I'm learning to let go.
I'm learning that everything that is for me will always be for me. I'm experiencing love. Authentic and genuinely. I have no reason not to enjoy it. I must be comfortable enough to embrace it despite it all. I'm reaffirming that I have no ties to the world outside of continuing to help those in need and not living a life of lesser than just because I see others who don't have... don't have love, don't have livelihood, don't have the ability. It's not fair to myself to not be proud of my accomplishments. It's not fair to myself to not reap the rewards of my hard work. It's not my responsibility to contain myself so as not to offend the likes of those who have reached their full capacity or potential. It's not selfish to allow myself to be treated well, loved and cherished... Good fortune will still come. God will still provide. The Universe will always lead me in the right direction. A new handbag won't break me. Seeing someone else struggle in their relationship should not make me always have my guard up that mine too will have the same fate. Let go. It's essential. It's freeing. I receive it all, because I deserve to, and because I deserve it.

I'm finally coming to terms with it. This existence isn't a set up. Excitement doesn't always lead to disappointment. Lack of support won't stop you from having what you want. The work is intrinsic. I just have to keep reminding myself. Let go.

We all deserve it.

Untitled.

The emotions waiver.
Daily, hourly, every minute, in between seconds.
The height of excitement, the hollow underground of astonishment.
Denial, disbelief, unadulterated bliss.
The never-ending confusion, followed by supreme understanding.
The constant, the fleeting.
Everyday is different, but everyday I fall.
Maybe this is love.


To be quite honest, I never thought I was worthy of love. Lust, infatuation, yes, often, but love... no it wasn't in the stars for me. I tried so hard for years to recreate the fantasies of happily ever after that replayed continuously in my mind. Make it work, try, force it until it fits and then self-destruction. Every single time I lost a piece of myself. Pride stripped away. Head riddled with doubt. Self-loathing, lack of self, no value. For lack of a better word, every failed attempt was my fault. I, no matter how much I wanted it, was not worthy of love.

God has jokes. The Universe will play you. Life will continue to make a mockery of you until you finally reach the point where you lose that hope. (Not really, but really.) The desire will fade, and then BOOM, it happens. Not when you wanted it, not when you forced it, but right when it was supposed to happen. Albeit the timing will be perfectly imperfect, never when you wanted it, only when it was supposed to happen. Right now, not then, not before and definitely not after. But right when it is supposed to...

Then one day you'll open your eyes and realize that you've spent the last hour laughing hysterically, inside jokes of course... nothing even remotely funny to anyone else but the two of you. The hours will have turned into days, weeks, months, years even. Eventually. They will appreciate your humor. Quality time. Togetherness, not always perfect but willing to work. He will always be willing to work, to make things work with you. And finally, you'll look up and realize that you have neglected your blog for two months, but made a host of memories learning to be accepted, living, deservingly, because you're worth it, to each other, to yourself, and to your love.

Purpose.

When the Universe decides to take control of your destiny there is no room for second guessing or hesitation... God already knows what time it is in regards to the course our lives are meant to take, it's just our job to stay patient and do the work necessary to get to that final destination. I'd given myself a deadline and that date was steadily approaching. February 1, 2018, I was either going to quit my job at the law firm I had worked for over 7 years and start my own practice or I was going to land another job that seemed to be more in line with what I want to accomplish in my legal career. I've been a licensed attorney for the last nine years, and over that time I've had the pleasure of doing and seeing some great things. I've also had a lot of moments where I questioned my decision to work for "the man" representing banks and various financial institutions instead of truly helping and representing actual people. After much deliberation, plenty of tears and hours of wanting to jump off a building exhaustion the Lord saw fit to lead me somewhere much closer to my destiny.

Current Gig: As of February 2018, I am now a staff attorney at one of the largest legal aid providers in the country. My practice area mainly consists of my drafting expunctions and non-disclosures for individuals trying to clear/clean their criminal records and assisting with the re-entry into society for those who may have succumbed to or been victims of our criminal justice system. I provide advice and counsel, as well as host legal clinic informing the general public about their rights as far as how to successfully navigate starting over with a fresh start at life.

I was tagged by one of my favorite blogger turned real life homies (Carla) to share my work story and here is how I go about my daily walk in my purpose.

Take us through a recent workday.

Being a single dog parent is hard, so my work day usually begins with getting Pepper ready and depending on where we lay rest that night (hope you didn't miss that casual announcement on Instagram) determines how my work day truly begins... I try to eat breakfast before I leave the house to avoid myself stopping for breakfast tacos or donuts en route to work. It takes less than 15 minutes for me to make my commute from home and then I get to ride the elevator up to this spectacular view.

With the sun beaming out my window I am able to typically start my day with a smile. I try to get to the office before 7:30 so I can leave early to avoid the downtown rush hour traffic. I check emails, usually write in my Law of Attraction journal, then begin to knock out my to do list for the day which can consist of talking with my clients, trading litigation strategies with the other attorneys in my office or drafting petitions to file with the court. There is definitely a need for the services we provide, so I'm usually pretty busy through out the day and time generally flies. My assistant is legitimately the best, and she makes my days go smoothly by completely holding me down until the day is over.

What apps, gadgets, or tools can’t you live without?

I'm not the most tech savvy person there is so my range of apps, tools and gadgets pretty much consists of FB Messenger/Google Hangouts and my journal. I'm old school, sticky notes also keep me sane...

What’s your workspace setup like?

What’s your best shortcut or life hack?

I'm still in the trying to figure that out. I do however need to implement some shortcuts and life hacks into my daily routine.


Who are the people who help you get things done, and how do you rely on them?

I have an entire village behind me. From my managing attorney and support staff, to my friends and mentors who are also attorneys, I have a lot of people in my corner helping me get things done. There's never a shortage of people who are willing to answer questions or just give me the motivation and support I need to keep pushing.


How do you recharge or take a break from work?

I enjoy reading, writing, travel and I am apart of a book club. I also love chilling with my family and friends, loving on my dog, scrolling down my timeline and spending time with my favorite guy. Which as of late he has pretty much been my escape from the daily routine, but I digress...

And leave you with this picture of us at a Gala we attended earlier this month:

What’s your favorite side project? Writing. And I hope the next destination on my journey towards my purpose is finally finishing my book...

What are you currently reading, or what’s something that you’d recommend? Currently reading An American Marriage, although I still have like 3 other books that I also started around the same time a few weeks ago but have not picked up since.


Fill in the blank: I’d love to see ______ answer these same questions.

Faith

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

That's a hard question for me to answer. I've received so much great advice in regards to navigating my career path that it is hard to narrow it down to just one. If I were to just throw one out there, it would be "stop taking things personally" and instead of letting work stress me out completely just realize that my clients problems are my clients problems. It is just my job to help them figure out how to solve those problems.

Affirmation

It's been a month of reinforcement. A time for strengthening. Proclamations of feelings, safe guards being lifted and existing in such a way that I'm more receptive towards what's to come. I don't fear the future. I don't lament on the past. I'm merely enjoying this journey of the present with the utmost gratitude and admiration. Life has unabashedly changed it's course.

My former life no longer holds a place in the forefront of my mind. I look and acknowledge lessons, and feel comforted by my growth. Recognition shines so brightly that I have to squint my eyes when faced with a glimmer of who I used to be. Who I was no longer embarrasses me. I boldly and proudly laugh at the mishaps. It empowers me when those from that point in time try to approach me in the present tense with ghosts of my prior life. My shield is too strong. I've evolved too far past it for any left over shame. I harbor no regrets for her downfalls. Her insecurities navigated the way to my strengths and led me down the trail of where I am now. I don't shy away from remembrance. I'm finally able to look at those moments and be grateful for them. They were all worth it since they all brought me to this place in time. The ongoing.

I don't know what sparked the catalyst. It wasn't one singular circumstance or person. More like a slew of circumstance. There was no he who mysteriously rode into my life and saved me from myself. It took courage. It was a solo venture. I cultivated myself in fertile soil and finally began to grow.

You have to reach a breaking point in order to change your life.
A hard fought battle, but I'm grateful.
I am content.
I am here for this moment.