Because I deserve...

Perception.

While some aspire to portray a sense of perfection to the world, others are okay with moments of transparency and truth.

I fall into that latter category.

I know there are those that see the smiles, the glow, the everyday strides that I share with others, sometimes the frustration, but always the realness. Then in my mind, it's how I see myself and the life I have curated to share with others. Those two worlds don't always collide completely. I hold back. I refrain. I reserve the sacred spaces to the point of no return, no visibility, bottled in, without light. In darkness I hold on to all the good. I cling to it as if it will fall through my fingers if I loosen my grip. I question its authenticity. I always wonder the what if scenario... I stay within my means fearing expansion. I lay low to ward off resentment from others. In a sense, I talk myself out of happy...

I have a confession-

I'm sometimes afraid of being too happy.

I don't know what event in my life sparked that fear. Maybe I was exposed to life too soon. Reality, loss, inequality... I can't pinpoint the moment, but I have always been perceptive to difference. I've seen people struggle just as much as I have seen them triumph, and I have always wondered how it was decided as to who would get to live a great life, or who deserved to be loved wholly and completely. Whether it be privilege, or lineage that concept has always weighed over my head. When I was younger I would try my best to make myself small. Not because I felt small, but because I thought others would dislike me if I were to shine too brightly or be too big, too much. In doing so I gave up on a lot of opportunities. I didn't take risks. I followed others and thought the only way I would make it was to piggyback off their dreams. I'd marry a football player. He would take care of us. I want this opportunity, but I'm too scared to speak up to get it. I won't try. I probably can't. This isn't meant for me. My family won't allow this, I don't deserve this greatness. I had to fit in, standing out is bad. I did this for years. I assimilated. I played dumb. I accepted less than what I deserved, because who is to say I deserve it anyway?

I think differently.
I am different.
My differences make me unique.
My uniqueness is what creates the very essence of my being.
My being here is purposeful.
My purpose is to thrive.
Thriving consists of letting go.
Letting go requires me to let go of doubt.
Doubt is what makes me question my happiness.
Happiness should never be taken for granted.
If I take it for granted...

I will not take it for granted.

Slowly I'm learning to let go.
I'm learning that everything that is for me will always be for me. I'm experiencing love. Authentic and genuinely. I have no reason not to enjoy it. I must be comfortable enough to embrace it despite it all. I'm reaffirming that I have no ties to the world outside of continuing to help those in need and not living a life of lesser than just because I see others who don't have... don't have love, don't have livelihood, don't have the ability. It's not fair to myself to not be proud of my accomplishments. It's not fair to myself to not reap the rewards of my hard work. It's not my responsibility to contain myself so as not to offend the likes of those who have reached their full capacity or potential. It's not selfish to allow myself to be treated well, loved and cherished... Good fortune will still come. God will still provide. The Universe will always lead me in the right direction. A new handbag won't break me. Seeing someone else struggle in their relationship should not make me always have my guard up that mine too will have the same fate. Let go. It's essential. It's freeing. I receive it all, because I deserve to, and because I deserve it.

I'm finally coming to terms with it. This existence isn't a set up. Excitement doesn't always lead to disappointment. Lack of support won't stop you from having what you want. The work is intrinsic. I just have to keep reminding myself. Let go.

We all deserve it.