Life.

"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away."

-Frida Kahlo

I've struggled with writing lately. My desire to put into words the realities of life, the idea that words make things real, the fact that these last few weeks have indeed been my life -- actual reality.... So much life, and loss... and living.

My best friend from college delivered her baby the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And then it was December.  As with life, the arrival of someone new is usually met with the departure of another... Sometimes it is expected, an elderly relative, a freak accident that shocks you to the core, or someone just randomly slipping away in their sleep with no notice or regard. But this go round, the news came from every direction possible. 

To even begin, I would need to start from the beginning. 

About six or seven years ago, my circle of friends was ridiculously large, and even more so complicated. I had my friends from high school, my friends from undergraduate, my friends from law school and my friends from life all vying for my time and attention. I'd spent the last three years of life shackled to my legal studies, so when I finally was licensed and free, my time was highly sought after by those who had been neglected. Instead of managing my time between friends and my relationship with my ex, I tried to kill two birds with one stone and hang out with everyone equally, together.... At the same time. 

Sometimes it worked, other times not so much. A lot of lessons were learned during that period of my life. I learned a lot about myself, and the definition of true friendship. In the end, I ended up losing a large sector of these friends. I lost my two closest friends from college, and in the midst of losing them, I lost one of my good friends from law school. I didn't speak to any of the three after the fall out. Radio silence for years, outside of the random chatter of he said, she said. I harbored hurt and anger for years, until eventually that faded to silence. Until December... 

With December, the unexpected news broke that one of my former friends had died of cardiac arrest... 

To be honest, I didn't know how to feel. I'd spent the last 5 years plus holding on to the anger of our ended friendship. We were no longer friends. Not even remotely, but we were at one point in time, and she was gone. I felt numb, and then I felt angry that I would never get the chance to ask her what the problem had been or why she stopped being my friend, and then I felt guilty. After the guilt came indifference... Who was I to grieve for someone who stopped being my friend, and had in turn hurt me tremendously?

We went out for dinner the night we learned of her death. Dinner turned into happy hour, and happy hour turned into a full on release of all the emotions I'd been holding onto inside. I allowed myself to cry. I released the anger I'd held on to for all those years, and I let the tears flow freely for the ghost of friendships past.... 

As friends and other classmates heard of the untimely passing, people began to reach out to others for information. My friend told me that one of my former friends had reached out to her, and something in me told me to tell her to call me. Minutes later my phone rang, and I heard the voice of my former best friend from college for the first time in six years. We didn't dwell on what went wrong, we expressed condolences, and the olive branch was extended to end this silent existence. Although it will take time before that bond can be fully restored, it gave me peace to atleast know that that chapter in life could be closed without unspoken words or unexpressed hurt. It felt good to have that release. I felt a shift in the balance...

But December was not done... within days after another life was lost, this time to a battle with cancer, then the day after that another friend would lose her grandmother, and then a classmate from my high school was murdered, and the stream of rest in peace and tributes continued to pour in, and still seem to pour. December has been brutal.... 

But in all of the loss, insight has been gained... 

First off, life is too short for grudges and words unsaid. Don't waste years being angry or hurt by something without letting the person know. Life isn't promised and it definitely shouldn't be spent holding on to any emotions that don't benefit you for the better. 

Life is short. Be kind, be nice and give love to everyone. You never know who needs your kindness. Don't doubt the impact you could have on anyone you encounter. 

Don't be above forgiveness. Sometimes life and situations come full circle, and you're given the chance to make it right before it's too late. Take the chance if your heart tells you to. 

Release it, and be open. Love your life. Give everyday your all. Enjoy each day, as days are limited. Just live. Live your best life, as December has taught me that we're only here for a short time and we must make the best of the time we have here.  

This is life.....

We gain, we lose, we gain again. 

We continue to live. 

It's a must. 

It's life. 

Sedona

For my birthday, the thing I desired most was peace. I did a lot of research of places I could go to for a quick weekend trip, but the mountains kept calling my name and I eventually decided on Sedona, Arizona. First all, I'd like to go on the record and say Sedona is literally the most beautiful place I have ever seen in real life. The stark contrast between Phoenix and Sedona is mind blowing, and I am happy I was able to experience it.

I flew into Phoenix, and once my best friend from law school landed, we headed straight to Sedona. The drive was dark and very scary mountainous. I've never driven in the mountains before, so I was a little horrified to say the least at being on a one lane highway at a 4000 ft elevation going up and down, and up and up and up and up and down, for over an hour. By the time we made it, the temperature had dropped drastically, so we checked into our hotel quickly, layered up and headed to get food. We ate like Kings, giggled, and were probably in bed sound asleep before midnight. We had no real agenda outside of finding our happy. Basically, I needed an Eat, Pray, Love kind of weekend, so that was our goal. Sedona is not very well-lit at night time, so we were not quite prepared for what we would see when the sun came up the next day.

It was breath-taking to say the least....



The Red Rocks of Sedona are the perfect backdrop for zen. The energy is the most peaceful I've ever experienced. Sedona is literally everything.

While we were there we ate, shopped, hiked Sugar Loaf Summit and Thunder Mountain, visited the Cathedral Rock vortex, prayed at the Buddist stupa, stumbled across a random estate sale at the bottom of the Cathedral Rock vortex, and really just enjoyed the freedom of being there with no plans or responsibilities.

This trip was everything that I needed and more & I cannot wait to go back when I need another life recharge. I'm also happy for my time spent in Phoenix, catching up with a close friend from law school who recently relocated there. Some reunions are essential to the soul...

I'll let the pictures speak for themselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

35

I've been 35 for exactly one month now. I'd like to say that in the month since my birthday I've gained a wealth of knowledge and wisdom, but really I've just been ridiculously busy at work and tired than a motherfucker. Had you asked me ten years ago what my life would look like at 35, I probably would've said something nowhere near remotely close to my current state of existence. My 15 year old self would be even more off the mark than me at 25. The 15 year old version of myself was convinced that I would be married to an NFL player, have two children and live in a mansion in Atlanta. Big dreams back then.. In my head I was the first Housewife of Atlanta... then again I was also an officer in Future Homemakers of America in high school, if that tells you anything about where my mind was as I religiously cheered on my HS boyfriend during his football games. I'd like to say that I'm happy where I'm at, in this place, in my 35th year of life. Granted, I would've loved to have been rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, I'm good in my own little piece of the world... And who knows, maybe that dream will still come true, and if it doesn't, well I'm still good. But I digress...



I knew last year that I wanted to celebrate my birthday elsewhere. My dream had always been to celebrate my 35th birthday in Morocco/Portugal, but that dream didn't quite come into fruition, so I picked another location that has always been on my bucket list, that didn't require as much planning, or funds to get there. I wanted it to be a solo trip or just a trip with one other person as I feel as if I have reached my group trip quota for now, but I still wanted to do something simple with my friends before I left that weekend for my birthday trip. I spent my actual birthday with my family, and then hosted a happy hour in honor of my birthday the next night at Howl at the Moon.






I wanted to add a little something extra to the occasion, so I had a friend of mine make a commemorative mix CD for everyone in attendance. Every song represented some time in my life and held some significance. From my love of the Notorious BIG, to the song I listened to every morning while studying for the bar exam, to a memorable Mardi Gras, to the theme song of the show I used to watch everyday as a child (and the namesake for my fathers nickname for me before he got sick, Punky Brewster) to a song by one of my favorite artist, Selena. It's been forever since I have actually played a CD in my car, especially not an old school burn CD! I love that I was able to pull it off, and I was happy to give everyone a piece of me, as all of those songs have played an important role in who I am today at 35.



I'm not a big fan of birthday dinners anymore, not since the infamous worst birthday of 2012. I feel like I enjoy the intimacy of small dinners these days more so than the over the top, invite everybody you know, make sure you bring cash because they don't split tabs birthdays. I feel more comfortable in a come as you are, leave when you want to setting, without having to think too hard about who gets along well with who, where do you sit kind of planning that takes away from the enjoyment of celebrating your birthday. This way I was able to mix and mingle, and not feel the shift in energy whenever a huge group gets together to break bread at a sit down dinner when everyone isn't already friends with each other. (Note, if you can bring all of your friends together and they all instantly click, then you my friend are truly blessed. For some reason, I have like 5 different sets of friends, and not all of them get along, so I tend to overthink any combined group outings.)





The drinks flowed freely, the laughter was abundant, and the cupcakes my sister made for me were delicious. It was exactly the easy-going, free spirited evening that my soul desired to bring in 35. After the party, I came home, wandered around my apartment trying to pack and got the chance to sit down with myself and read through the cards I'd received and really just reflect on the fact that I had just turned thirty-five years old.



Thirty-five is not what I imagined, and I'm fine with that. I've lived a lot in these thirty-five years, seen a lot, and definitely experienced a lot. I'm happy that I'm not living the life I had envisioned for myself at 15, or 20, 25 or even 30 for that matter... My vision is sometimes too small, what I've always thought I've wanted, the universe has given me better. The people I thought I needed in my life to be happy or be successful, the Lord has removed them, led me to others, and replaced the ones who didn't belong with others who did.. and even when I fought hard to be around some, I still learned lessons that I needed to from those choices I made, and that too has helped shatter my vision and give me an even better reality.

I'm a work in progress. Still, at 35, I'm not done growing, nowhere near complete with the evolution and there are changes being made everyday. This year I want to be better, and I will. I want to experience better, so I am. My vision for 35, will be way different by the time this year is over and I'm grateful for that. Life is all about living, and with living comes change. I may not like it, but it will all be necessary in the end.

I'm 35, and I'm grateful.

To Be Honest...

To be honest, so much went down in November, that I almost don't even know where to begin with this post. I could take the easy route, upload a crap load of pictures, call it a November re-cap and just pretend like I'm on track for December, but that wouldn't be fun. Blogging has been hard lately. Yes, I have been busy, and life as always has had its share of hectic moments, but definitely still not excusable. I had the bright idea to delete the Blogger App off my phone. It was slow, not really allowing me to upload anything and pretty much just getting on my nerves. I probably should have checked to make sure there was another application for me to download that would make blogging on the go easier, but alas I have not found that app. And now, I'm rambling.

Anyways....

Houston Walk to End Alzheimer's 2016-

The #WalkToEndALZ has become somewhat of a birthday kick-off tradition for me. For the last three years, I've served as a team captain and raised money to support the efforts of the Houston Chapter of the Alzheimer's Association. The cause is very near and dear to my heart, and it definitely brings me joy to do what I can until there is no need.

Our walk team was smaller than it was the last few years, but we managed to exceed our fundraising goal for the 3rd year in a row. I've decided that even if I have to make that walk alone, and raise all the money I can by myself, I will regardless of who joins in on my efforts. It's just that important to me.

"Standing alone, doesn't mean that I am alone. It means I am strong enough to handle things all by myself."

~2016 Jewels of Essence- Ladies of Distinction Awards Gala~

Contrary to popular belief, I am a very humble person. I actually hate attention, and typically move in silence in regards to my accomplishments, career and other aspects of my personal life. When I was nominated to receive recognition for my achievements, both in the community and profession, my first thought was that I was no where near deserving. I am my own biggest critic, so in my head I really began to question what exactly could I have done for recognition?

Aside from the sheer embarrassment of being center stage while receiving this honor, I had to inform other people I would be awarded and get them to come fill up the table that was reserved on my behalf.

Let's just say it was a process...

First and foremost, everybody is not going to be down for the cause, especially when it's not a reason that directly benefits them.
Most were receptive, offered congratulations and immediately sent payments for tickets. Simple & genuine...

Others, not so much.

I was pretty let down by some of the reactions I received, from people making wise cracks, to just asking what type of food would be served, to just flat out ignoring my request. I guess I expected more, when I typically am a person who is always down for the cause when it really matters. But this go round, it was definitely a moment when the right people were exactly where they were supposed to be.

The event turned out well and I am beyond grateful for the push in the right direction, even though I give myself too much grief in lieu of acknowledging just how far I truly have come. Maybe I already am in the right direction, and this wasn't necessarily a push, but more so a quick glance down at my map just to make certain I was still on the right path.

My first few days in November started off with a bang. From participating in an event that I am passionate about, to being awarded for my achievements, the prelude to my birthday week gave me everything I needed to walk into 35 with my head held high.

November- realization, affirmation, gratitude.

Dear November....

I find myself anxiously awaiting your arrival every year. I tend to place you on a pedestal, slightly elevated from the other months, with more prestige, more honor and just a tad bit more distinction than the rest. Sweet, sweet November, this year is no different, and I need you more now than ever to work your redeeming magic as a saving grace for the year.

January and February were full of change. March brought expectancy, only to lead to let downs in April. May hit me with newness, but June, July and August saw that newness fade, masks came off and revelation, rejuvenation and realization showed its face in September. October you left me tired, and now I am just ready for November.

I'm ready to see another year of my life, my 35th. I am ready for the shift.

November, you have so much promise.

Please, please be good to me.

A Whole Lot of Weddings & Other Monday Randoms

Ever since my return from Costa Rica, I feel as if I've been in one huge whirlwind of weddings & flowers & champagne & baby shower gifts & birthdays (oh, my!) & yes I could keep going but I won't.... Plainly stated, it's been hectic and now we are approaching that time of year when there's just so much going on that you have to legit keep your calendar up to date or risk being confused as heck. But I digress...

Today has been a random hodgepodge of sorts. The morning after a busy non-stop weekend will have you questioning your life choices. I tried to find some reprieve last night, but that was shortly lived as I journeyed out for a surprise party for one of my friends. Sunday was weird as well. I woke up hating everybody and really just in my feelings which is weird after a great Saturday and an even greater Friday night.

But let's back track...

This all began on Friday, October 7th. Wedding rehearsal and dinner for my friend V's nupitals, which would take place the following Sunday. After stuffing myself with shrimp and dirty rice Friday night, I was back up early for a mimosa filled brunch before the wedding party headed out to a twerk class. We twerked and came reaaaaaal close to ruining those fresh wedding presses, but got our sorts about ourselves. The wedding was the next day went off without any hitches, and poof my friend was married. I also caught the bouquet.

PS., Apparently bridesmaids can't (well one did, but I promised not to tell on her) smuggle their cellphones into the procession, so I have to wait for the official pictures..

I honestly can't remember anything that ensued the following week. But I'm sure it involved petitions, and court settings & settlement agreements, or something along those lines. Then right before I knew it, Thursday rolled around and it was time for the bridal shower dinner for my friend D, who would be getting married the next day.

Many glasses of wine and laughs later, it was right back to our wedding scheduled programming and time for her big day. In lieu of bridesmaids, she had a council that consisted of all the ladies & gentlemen who were near and dear to her heart and played an important role in her life leading up to her wedding day. She didn't want us in the same dress, so she merely instructed us what she wanted us to wear and left the rest up to us!

Her wedding was a Pinterest dream made in heaven. Perfectly executed & a truly wonderful occasion that I am happy to have been apart of. The actual ceremony was cell phone free, but I did manage to snap a few shots when I wasn't too busy dancing or singing at the top of my lungs to her wedding soundtrack.

That following Saturday was filled with brunch with out of town guests & loving on the newlyweds before they jetted off to Aruba yesterday.

And then Sunday rolled around, and I'm not sure if it was the exhaustion taking over, my looming birthday extra-ness or what, but my emotions swan dived into the abyss.

I just still feel some type of way about the level of support and care I have in my life. Just thinking of the many relationships I have garnished over the years, I whole-heartedly can't say if I have a real tribe. I feel like I have a pocket full of close friends, that don't all necessarily live here (some do), and a million others whom purport to know me, but only know certain layers of my true self. Albeit I am pretty transparent, and freely speak my mind, I am a true Scorpio, so there are certain sides of me that are hidden from the masses. I sometimes wish I had people in my life who genuinely understood me, and had my back the way I usually have others. I just feel a void, and I can't quite put my finger on it. My mother has a million theories as to why I feel that way, and usually her answer is I just need a husband to fill that void, but I just don't know. Maybe she is right. Then that leads me to the feelings of, well if only that were easier said than done & I could click my heels like Dorothy and wake up in Never-land with a husband and son just ready made.

Then there's the baby showers. My best friend from college had her baby shower in Alabama this weekend, and unfortunately I could not attend. I not only feel terrible for not making that journey, but also an empty space because I know life as we know it will soon be changing in a few months. It's like a weird combination of selfishness, jealousy & extreme jubilation. It's like I know all friendships change when somebody has a baby, and I wasn't ready to give up my partner in crime just yet, and with baby bumps come baby fever & I'm sitting here like well, you'll be 35 in less than a month, the goods won't work forever, what are you doing, and then I'm like yes, a new baby to dress up and love on. Then that overwhelming rush of emotions leads me underneath blankets on my couch thinking deeply about life.

I'm learning to not worry as much about the surface level associates, but so many life changing occurrences at once with my key players makes me feel vulnerable and lost in a way I'm not quite sure yet how to handle.

Trust the timing of your life, they always say. But some days, all I can do is reflect on it all & bask in these far-fetched Monday randoms.

Puerto Viejo ~ The Destination

After a night of extreme turn-up, walks along the beach, bonfires, reggae and Spanish infused melanin... it was morning & we had a full day ahead of us to enjoy Puerto Viejo. We devoured breakfast at Hotel Banana Azul, rented bikes and set off to explore the town in the daylight and find Punto Uva and Manzanilla beaches.

First off, I'll start by saying I legit hate riding bikes with my friends. I found that out when we randomly decided to go bike riding in Houston once before, and it was no different in Costa Rica. I'm not out of shape by any means, but I'm okay with admitting extreme bike riding is not my thing. I don't want to speed race down streets, I want to take my time and enjoy sights. I want to wander around aimlessly taking everything in. I want to stop at random shops, look at souvenirs, and local jewelry. I enjoy a good bask and take it all in. This was not the agenda. I tried my best to keep up with them, but to no avail and a group ride quickly turned into them pedaling at their own pace and me literally being alone for stretches of road at a time. At first I tried to keep up, but then I realized that would do nothing but result in me either injuring myself, having a heat stroke, or re-injuring my knee that I had just went to the doctor about the week I went to New York. Wasn't happening.

I can further admit that those long 7 miles of bike ride, with only one real stop, almost ruined my trip. I had a lot of time to think as I struggled to pedal up hills, and through city streets and over bridges and into the unknown. I thought a lot, and with each difficult stretch or bridge or truck speeding by me in a foreign country with not a friend in sight, I grew angrier and somewhat sad. I'm not the type of person to ever leave anyone behind. Regardless of how fast or slow someone is going, one thing I would never do is totally disregard them and track off ahead. That was definitely a moment of clarity that regardless of how good of friends you are with someone, ultimately you have to be responsible for yourself and not expect people to treat you the same way you would treat them. I definitely didn't want to be a buzzkill, so by all means if you are in a rush and leisure is not your thing, then go ahead and leave me behind. I'll manage in my own time and in my own way. But I digress...

One of my friends doubled back to check on me which I was grateful for, but that moment in time definitely made me feel some type of way about a lot of things.

Despite my lack of enthusiasm from the bike ride, the destinations almost made up for my angst. Both beaches were beautiful. The water was the prettiest of blue, the waves were crashing and it was a perfect moment to capture both in my memory and in my camera. I walked around on the sand and tried to gather myself while they played in the water. Then we headed to our next beach and had dinner at a Jamaican restaurant on the beach.

It was a quiet late lunch, and another long & lonesome 7 miles back to our villa. We washed up, snacked & I called it a night.

I woke up extra early for some alone time, quiet reflection and reading in the front bedroom while it was still relatively cool in the house. The villa was truly beautiful and I enjoyed that time to just think and exhale. Everyone else eventually woke up and were sore from all the bike riding the previous day. We lounged around, then decided to spend some time in town and enjoying the beach near our villa. We ate with the locals at Johnny's Place and the fried fish was delicious! We then headed back to our side of town and enjoyed the black sand beach before turning in for the night.

We took the shuttle back to San Jose, and 5 hours later we were back and passing our time till our flight back to Houston. We ate at Hooters and walked around Walmart while we waited until our airline opened for check-in. By the time our flight boarded we were all delirious and laughing hysterically at everything. It was a super late flight. Some of the people who were on our flight to Costa Rica were also on our return flight and one group especially provided us with plenty of comic relief and inside jokes, like the forever funny, "Poor Sandboy" moment. By the time we boarded it was well after midnight. I was sitting next to one of the people who was in the group that provided our comedy relief and we talked for the first hour or so into our flight before falling asleep. Then finally we heard the announcement that we were making our final descent into Houston and that was the end of our weekend of Pura Vida in Costa Rica.

What's unique about Costa Rica is how each part of the country is so different from the other. When I found out about the cheap flights to Costa Rica, I immediately let my blog turned in real life friend Carla know about the deal since the airline also flew out near where she lives. We ended up in the same country at the exact same time and never crossed paths. From looking at her pictures and reading her blog, we had completely different experiences in different parts of the country. I would love to return to Costa Rica, both to visit Puerto Viejo for the cultural beach experience, but also to see the volcanoes and lush side of the country. I feel like this trip was necessary, not only for the face value, beach and fun, but also for the moments of insight and thoughts I was able to share with myself. The moments of clarity, the overcoming something that was very difficult to me and the realizations that were made. I enjoyed my time there, and this destination was very necessary.

Costa Rica - The Journey

Once upon a time, I went to Costa Rica. I got back early the morning after Labor Day & then waited a month to talk about it. This is my story. 

It all began on a random Saturday afternoon. A text with a screen shot came through in my groupchat and it was an image of a flight deal to San Jose, Costa Rica. Usually we will either pull the trigger, or give some reason why we cannot hop on the deal, but this day it was a full go from everyone & we were booked for Costa Rica. We were set to fly into San Jose the Thursday before Labor Day and be back in Houston in time for work that Tuesday morning.

We collectively decided to spend the majority of our time in the country in Puerto Viejo, which is in the Limon province where there are beautiful Caribbean beaches & and beautiful beautiful men people. This is the most diverse area in the country and where the descendants of hundreds of slaves brought to the country live. It's about five hours away from San Jose, but it was decided that we would fly there versus taking a shuttle.

 

We went directly to our hotel upon landing in San Jose, and set out early to grab some food, see a little bit of the city and head back to the airport for our flight. We had the BEST uber driver ever. He was from the province we were heading to, and graciously escorted us around San Jose and took us for the most delicious meal we had while on our trip.

I'm gracious for our driver because without him we probably would not have been able to navigate our way around the capital city. It was very crowded, very cluttered and very mountainous.... but beautiful. I'm still craving the beans and fish we had at the restaurant he took us.

That sauce was ridiculously good. Needless to say, I did more eating than picture taking....

To be honest, in my mind the flight to Puerto Viejo was going to be on a plane similar to the one we arrived in. It wasn't until we left Houston that I realized we would be in a super small plane flying over all those mountains. Two girls who were also on our flight there, talked so much shit about the type of plane we were taking. They obviously were doing a little bit of hating, but I didn't let it phase me too much. It wasn't until we had checked our bags, which consisted of not only the bags being weighed but us as well, did I slightly freak out. I kept it together for the sake of not having to curse anybody out, and we were off to our next stop... in a teeny tiny aeroplane.

Despite the fact that you could hear and feel every little thing, the flight wasn't that bad. We had a quick layover and about 35 minutes later we had landed in Puerto Viejo. We took a taxi from the shack where planes landed airport to our Airbnb about another 45 minutes away.

We literally traveled through jungle, and banana trees and villages & slightly got lost, but finally made it to our villa right as the sun was going down. Villa de Aragon would be our home for the next few days, and it was truly a beautiful property. I fell in love with the room on the back patio, but since there was only one air conditioning it was too hot to sleep back there. But in another setting, and a different climate, or if there was more air circulating, that back room would've been perfection.

We didn't spend much time exploring our home for the weekend because we were hungry and anxious to get out and see the town.

Not too far from where we were staying was a hotel and black sand beach. We walked to Hotel Banana Azul and enjoyed dinner and drinks before taking a taxi into the city to enjoy the rest of our night.

We walked a few feet away from where we had just dined, and took in the stars, the sounds of the waves crashing and the pretty black sand on the beach.

After that we bar hopped in town, and walked around mingling with the locals. We went to a reggae bar and made the DJ amp the music up for us from relaxing Marley, but flat out dance hall. We then proceeded to another venue called Lazy Mon's, where we literally got our whole lives. Well, I got mine. I can't speak for everybody else, but I can definitely attest to the fact that life was GOTTEN. But I digress....


My night ended with a few things crossed off my bucket list, and then it was time to head home for the evening. Well, I guess, the morning? We made it back to our villa and probably went to bed around 4 in the morning.

It was a great welcome and reception into the country.

It was the beginning of our journey.