Life.

"Nothing is absolute. Everything changes, everything moves, everything revolves, everything flies and goes away."

-Frida Kahlo

I've struggled with writing lately. My desire to put into words the realities of life, the idea that words make things real, the fact that these last few weeks have indeed been my life -- actual reality.... So much life, and loss... and living.

My best friend from college delivered her baby the Saturday after Thanksgiving. And then it was December.  As with life, the arrival of someone new is usually met with the departure of another... Sometimes it is expected, an elderly relative, a freak accident that shocks you to the core, or someone just randomly slipping away in their sleep with no notice or regard. But this go round, the news came from every direction possible. 

To even begin, I would need to start from the beginning. 

About six or seven years ago, my circle of friends was ridiculously large, and even more so complicated. I had my friends from high school, my friends from undergraduate, my friends from law school and my friends from life all vying for my time and attention. I'd spent the last three years of life shackled to my legal studies, so when I finally was licensed and free, my time was highly sought after by those who had been neglected. Instead of managing my time between friends and my relationship with my ex, I tried to kill two birds with one stone and hang out with everyone equally, together.... At the same time. 

Sometimes it worked, other times not so much. A lot of lessons were learned during that period of my life. I learned a lot about myself, and the definition of true friendship. In the end, I ended up losing a large sector of these friends. I lost my two closest friends from college, and in the midst of losing them, I lost one of my good friends from law school. I didn't speak to any of the three after the fall out. Radio silence for years, outside of the random chatter of he said, she said. I harbored hurt and anger for years, until eventually that faded to silence. Until December... 

With December, the unexpected news broke that one of my former friends had died of cardiac arrest... 

To be honest, I didn't know how to feel. I'd spent the last 5 years plus holding on to the anger of our ended friendship. We were no longer friends. Not even remotely, but we were at one point in time, and she was gone. I felt numb, and then I felt angry that I would never get the chance to ask her what the problem had been or why she stopped being my friend, and then I felt guilty. After the guilt came indifference... Who was I to grieve for someone who stopped being my friend, and had in turn hurt me tremendously?

We went out for dinner the night we learned of her death. Dinner turned into happy hour, and happy hour turned into a full on release of all the emotions I'd been holding onto inside. I allowed myself to cry. I released the anger I'd held on to for all those years, and I let the tears flow freely for the ghost of friendships past.... 

As friends and other classmates heard of the untimely passing, people began to reach out to others for information. My friend told me that one of my former friends had reached out to her, and something in me told me to tell her to call me. Minutes later my phone rang, and I heard the voice of my former best friend from college for the first time in six years. We didn't dwell on what went wrong, we expressed condolences, and the olive branch was extended to end this silent existence. Although it will take time before that bond can be fully restored, it gave me peace to atleast know that that chapter in life could be closed without unspoken words or unexpressed hurt. It felt good to have that release. I felt a shift in the balance...

But December was not done... within days after another life was lost, this time to a battle with cancer, then the day after that another friend would lose her grandmother, and then a classmate from my high school was murdered, and the stream of rest in peace and tributes continued to pour in, and still seem to pour. December has been brutal.... 

But in all of the loss, insight has been gained... 

First off, life is too short for grudges and words unsaid. Don't waste years being angry or hurt by something without letting the person know. Life isn't promised and it definitely shouldn't be spent holding on to any emotions that don't benefit you for the better. 

Life is short. Be kind, be nice and give love to everyone. You never know who needs your kindness. Don't doubt the impact you could have on anyone you encounter. 

Don't be above forgiveness. Sometimes life and situations come full circle, and you're given the chance to make it right before it's too late. Take the chance if your heart tells you to. 

Release it, and be open. Love your life. Give everyday your all. Enjoy each day, as days are limited. Just live. Live your best life, as December has taught me that we're only here for a short time and we must make the best of the time we have here.  

This is life.....

We gain, we lose, we gain again. 

We continue to live. 

It's a must. 

It's life.