The Beauty of It All.....

It's not often I allow myself to surrender control...
I live by the rules, sometimes painstakingly so.
I'm easily irritated by change, by lateness, minor deviations from the norm, haphazard spontaneity....
Lack of a concrete plan has been known to send me over the edge.
I crave control, I yearn for it.. It has been my ultimate desire.
My kryptonite.
My weakness.

But, oh. When I let go.

When I release the reins, transfer the power.
I shut down, I feel lost.
My heart races.
I need to know what time to be ready.
No, the precise time. An estimate isn't good enough.
The who, the what, the when, the why...

But when I let go.

This weekend I agreed to spend time with someone. As the day grew nearer, I requested details but was met with nonchalant responses & half-assed details. I was forced to deal with the numerous scenarios in my mind. As I ran through the possibilities of what could go wrong, I missed out on the opportunities to enjoy the excitement of what could go right. I was too busy worried about what the day would entail instead of finding amusement in allowing someone else to execute the perfect plan to make my Saturday enjoyable.

Oh, but when I let go.

When I finally stopped worrying, and wanting to be in complete control of the day, I was surprised to see that every detail had been thought out perfectly. A picnic in the park on Lake Houston, a menu, blankets (on top of tarp in case the ground was damp) and a backdrop accompanied by the perfect soundtrack to make my day memorable.

When I let go.

I allow myself the chance to bask in the moment.
To feel the wind blow through my hair.

The warmth of the sun, I feel every ray on my skin.
I taste the air, the sweetness of a flower blooming in the distance.
Honey suckle.
A bloom.

When I let go, I allow myself to be free & freeness isn't bogged down by stress.
It's light-hearted, it's carefree.
Time stops and you are in the moment.

You are still. You can truly enjoy.
The presence. The conversation. The togetherness.
The moment.

And when I let go, I am able to fully appreciate the beauty of it all......

My Sunday has been filled with laziness & love.

And of course, flowers.

It has been a very chill day that included a trip to the nursery.

It's been ages since I've actually been to a nursery to look at flowers.

I envision that when I finally purchase a home it being covered with all sorts of annuals & perennials.

My grandmother has a green thumb & the love of gardening was passed down.

Very fitting that a family outing to the nursery ensued on Mother's Day.

As my mother, sister and aunt perused the aisles, I allowed myself to get lost.

So much beauty...

The vibrancy of the petals, the fragility of the leaves, all deeply rooted in the enriching soil. The flowers don't force themselves to bloom, they have no control over which bee will cause cross-pollination, their color...the petals that will get blown away in the wind.

They just exist beautifully. The rain falls when it must, and when the clouds aren't too overbearing the sun is allowed to shine light strengthening all that's down below. But they have no control.

They take root where they are planted. They grow, and sometimes if they are lucky enough, they grow back the next season...but when they don't, they have at least left the memory of the beautiful flower they produced before they met their demise.

When I let go, the beauty of it all is evident.

I exist in the moment, I am the moment.

It's okay to let go. It's okay to live solely for the days that are not dictated by plans, the days where your schedule has gone to shit, but the memories last a life time. I can say that the times I've let go I have enjoyed myself.

When I give up the need to be in control, when I let go...

It has been beautiful.