Semi-

Semi- /ˈsɛmi/

1. Half.

2. Partly; in some degree or particular.

3. Almost.

Sometimes the ghosts of situation(relation)ships past rear their ugly heads bringing with them a world of doubt and apprehension. Those ghost remind you of the lessons that almost broke you, the ones that literally humbled you to the core. They bring with them a pain that performs a repetitive dance in your head just to ensure you remembered all the steps. Sensual and seductive, those moments lure you into a place where you no longer belong. The dull sting of remembrance is almost cathartic, soothingly pacifying your emotions like a numbing poison. But when those moments take control of you. The doubt you thought would never resurface, the insecurities that had been overcome, the fear of letting go, the anxiety caused by surrendering to love, the thought of trying again...How is it possible to move forward without letting the past play too big of a role in your present?

I'll be honest, this last week definitely took a toll on me. I went from a rose colored cloud of contentment, to being faced with a harsh but necessary reality. I allowed outside influences to plant seeds of doubt in my mind, and in turn those seeds grew into a dense layer of misunderstanding which prevented me from clearly seeing the vision. Once I lost sight of the vision, I lost touch with reason. Everything I thought no longer made sense, and in that moment I almost allowed myself to let go of something, someone that only made the mistake of being caught in my past taking over my present. I let the past circumvent my current situation.

I do agree that everything that happens to us in life either happens for a reason, or is a catalyst to take us to another point in our life journey. Hurt from past relationships sometimes lingers way past the expiration date. We program ourselves to think a certain way, sort of like a defense mechanism for our feelings. Impenetrable walls are subconsciously placed around our hearts, and we make others who just may have good intentions, scale those walls. Instead of facing those hurts ourselves, we task others with the job of convincing us otherwise, that no this is not how it is going to be this time around.

My life is completely different than it was this time last year. Tremendously different than it was six years ago, or nine for that matter. Stark changes. While looking at the calendar yesterday, I was transported to a time and place three hundred and sixty five days ago. I'd let my guard down. Gave up on what made sense, and allowed myself to completely let go. The whirlwind felt like life, despite the fact that I ignored numerous signs that I should have not have brushed off so easily. Albeit that time did lead me to want more, and expect more out of a partner, it also left me with a space that was too wide to fill. I made irrational decisions, fell too fast, ignored my instinct, lost myself. I started to believe that I was the only person who had been suffering in silence, just waiting for a moment, a minute, a meeting... just waiting on something. That is until I realized that I wasn't.

We all have hang-ups. The lesson is to not let them leave you jaded. It takes time to work through years of damage. It takes patience from yourself, and it takes the honesty of others that are brave enough to lay out their expectations, and set up a path to get to an end point. I can't beat myself up for mistakes from the past, nor can I impart the hurt caused by another onto anyone else that comes into my life. Sometimes it takes two people to meet in the middle, to help each other work pass their past and to a certain degree, I think we are both partly there. Cautious, but semi- moving pass the past to a comfortable state of almost. Semi- yet satisfied, and I'm okay with that.