reflections..........

Sometimes the days can turn into weeks, and then you look up and time has truly passed you by. It seems as if the older I get, the time I have remaining to wish away the years and countdown the moments that I can't wait to rush through...disappears. Makes sense? Probably not, because I was that girl. You know, the one who antagonized her friends with countdowns till the first day of school, and fall, and her birthday, etc... Who am I kidding? I'm still kind of that girl. I love having things to look forward to, the endless benchmarks and checklists and scratched out calendar days give me some sense of control. But I'm learning to let go... Slowly but surely, I'm placing my value on the moment & not just x event I'm looking forward to in the future. Slow. But sure.... I'm a work in progress. 

Reflections.

Sometimes God removes you from a situation, and while you're away He's working things out to make the conditions he took you away from more bearable the next go round.... And sometimes there isn't a next go round... Sometimes your removal is forever. There's better for you. Or you've outgrown your former position. But, in this instance He brought me into an opportunity and kept me in the waiting area for six months... Then just as quickly as He removed me, He placed me right where I once was..but at the right place and the right time. Better position, less stress and peace of mind. 

Navigating the career world can be tricky, but despite the ups & downs I can truly say The Lord has protected me the entire way.

I mentioned to a friend that I didn't feel like I had a purpose. She was slightly  taken aback by my statement, and said  "But you're an attorney....." And on paper I agree that accomplishment does speak volumes. But in my heart I felt like something is still missing. I yearn to help people, make a difference and work towards a bigger cause. In a sense I guess I lost sight of that, and as we sometimes do I downplayed my accomplishments and current position. 

Despite who I work for or what my occupation is, I can still go that extra mile and help someone... I can still volunteer my time towards a cause or do something more gratifying that I don't consider "work" or something that I have to do because I work a certain place. I've been slipping. My lifestyle has been consumed with the social and definitely not the civic. I have no excuses. 

Time to get it together... I used to be so involved with organizations, my church and the bar association... But slowly but surely I backed away from doing the little things that made me happy. And my reasoning behind it were so petty..... I'll feel more purposeful when I do things that have a purpose. 

Point blank... Period. 

One of my former best friends got married two weeks ago. Another had a baby and one more is expecting her 2nd... 

A part of me ached to not have been able to experience these things with them. In our visions growing up, we would always be a part of each other's lives. 

I try not to dwell on those relationships that are no more. I'm faced with so many questions that I don't have answers to, and that has really gotten to me. 

Someone pointed out to me, that one of my former friends made a comment on Facebook to another former acquaintance.... Something along the lines of her being so glad they were "real" friends and that the more things change, the more they both stayed "the same" and had not changed throughout the years...........

Reflecting back, I can honestly say that I'm glad I have changed and that I've adjusted to the things around me changing and I've grown and learned though out that process. I would hate to be the same person I was two years ago, four years ago and definitely not ten years ago. 

The full blown, genuine essence that makes up me, still reflects the same sincerity, the same loyalty, the same quirk, the same spunk that kept us all "real friends" all those years. But a lot of things have changed. I respect myself now, which I did little of in the past, I make rational decisions which I definitely did not do then, and I don't let my emotions dictate my every move. If that took away from me being who I am or once was then so be it I guess. 

Some things are not meant to be questioned. I can't go back in time and salvage every situation, but I can respect what once was. I can still love everyone for all the memories, laughter, tears, inside jokes, adventures and secrets we shared, but not beat myself up for us no longer being a part of each other's lives. I've tried to make amends on two occasions, but nothing came from either interaction. I've made my peace with it, still miss them dearly, but have moved on. I love who I've become. I love the people who stuck around while I was becoming that person. I apologize for everything that went wrong, and I am living and moving forward beyond it. 

There will be no more tears...

I had lunch today with someone I thought I would never speak to again in life. She reached out and apologized. I accepted that apology. Things are definitely not the same, but atleast I know that the separation was for a purpose and the reunion was all apart of the steps that The Lord had set forth for us to reconnect. In His time. Things work out for a reason. Everything He does makes perfect sense, all at the perfect time. 

Life. 

I'm not sure if my reflections are a combination of all the medicine I just took or just something I've been meaning to get off my chest for awhile. I went to the doctor today, got a shot and a nice combination of antibiotics, steroids and cough medicine. I haven't been sick in a while, but sinus infections love me. 

September you're halfway over. Homecoming is in two weeks.... I've been to Milwaukee for work and will be in Denver next week for a Commercial Litigation Conference. 

So many things to look forward to... And whoops, I've done it again. 

Back to counting down, listing benchmarks and to-do's....

I told you I was a work in progress. 

But is this how life is supposed to be? If we have nothing to look forward to, does life become boring & monotonous? Would all my days be lived to the fullest if there was no expectation of something bigger to come? I just pray that I have many more moments, and things to accomplish and check off before I'm left with only memories of what once was to reflect on.....

I want more than just reflections.