Adjustments.

Adjustment: a small change that improves something or makes it work better; a change that makes it possible for a person to do better or work better in a new situation.

ie. Me currently.

This summer has been interesting.... I wish I could say it was interesting in the new love, excitement, sunshine--lollipops and rainbows everywhere sense....but alas, that has not been my existence. This summer has been filled with life lessons, loss, change and adjustments. This has been one of those facing reality, growing up even when you don't want to seasons. I'd be lying if I said I was enjoying it, because I have not... but in the greater scheme of things, I've had no choice but to embrace it and face each day as it comes the best way I know how.

I've made a lot of adjustments.

I've tried to stay positive, and focus on moving forward.

I've tried to forget the pain, but I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm not supposed to forget it. It's okay to have moments of sadness, but instead of letting them consume me I've tried my best to let those moments empower me. Motivate me to uphold the legacy, do big things... carry on.

My recap from the last month is a blur of work, sleep, deep thinking, extreme Houston heat & whatever else it is I have been doing to bide my time. Nothing too exciting..... This past Sunday, I did manage to remove myself from the center of my bed & ventured out to Houz of Ink to get a tattoo of my grandmother's signature on my shoulder....

I always loved her signature... It was nothing too fancy or elaborate like some signatures are, but to me hers always meant something. It resonated with me. Simple, yet embodying so much class, with a dash of innocence mixed in. The tattoo artist was able to make a replica of her actual signature from a document we found that she had signed. It didn't hurt as much as I remember from my first tattoo, so I am glad about that. I think it came out nice, and it makes me feel good to have a part of her with me (literally) forever....

Aside from that, I've really just been focused on getting back into the swing of things...

Making adjustments, and trying my best to stay positive as I adjust to my new normal.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Just adjusting.

Friends, Food & Festivals.

So many friends, both in real life & social media life, have been taking the time to check in with me, offer listening ears, send cards and condolences or just take the time to physically be present with me. It has definitely been hard lately, but regardless I know I have to continue to push through. After all the family have gone their separate ways, the calls do begin to lessen and the process of moving on begins. It's in these moments that sometimes people need you the most to just make sure everything is still okay....

This past week I spent a lot of time with friends. One of my girlfriends randomly texted me & asked if I had plans Wednesday night. She had an extra ticket to the D'Angelo concert and wanted me to join her. To say I was excited would be an understatement.. He put on a wonderful show & just spending time with her and a few other positive ladies really set the tone for the remainder of my week.

I actually received a lot of random texts last week.

I'm usually not a complainer (especially not on Facebook), but at some point I must admit I felt as if I had reached my breaking point. I posted a status that warranted a large outpouring of responses. Some positive, some commiserating in agreement & others taking the tough love approach to get me out of my feelings. One of my guy friends told me that despite how I was feeling, I had to go on & continue to press forward. There is still a legacy to be continued... I can't give up now.

After he slid into my text messages to expand on what he meant by his tough love response, I really did begin to feel better. Almost an obligation in a sense.....

Because despite how it may feel, there is still life left to be lived.

As the week progressed, additional friends reached out to me.
One stated he had tickets to an event on Friday night & wanted met come with him, and two others wanted to meet for dinner or happy hour. I was able to consolidate all three of those requests and we ended up at Max's Wine Dive for a late happy hour/early dinner. I figured all three would mesh personality wise, aside from the fact that they all didn't know each other. Fortunately I was correct in my assumption....

We ate, drank, talked about life & shared testimonies on the various ups & downs/trials tribulations that are reality for us all. After we ate, we all four left to head over to the event. There were performers and booths set up promoting different events & products. We enjoyed drinking some more, mingling among the crowd and listening to the live music. We grabbed food from a truck outside at the end of the night and went our separate ways.

I'm pretty sure I would have spent my Friday night alone, with too many thoughts but I am so grateful for them ALL for actually wanting to spend time with me.... A much welcomed, yet out of the blue evening.

Another friend & I had planned to spend Saturday at a trunk show, then finish our evening at the 1st Annual Fresh Dark Festival. We learned about both events via social media, and wanted to do something different outside of reading and Netflix the entirety of the day. We were both feeling lazy, so pushed our meet-up time back a few hours. While I was trying to figure out what to wear my best friend from high school randomly sent me a message. She was on my side of town and wanted me to come meet up with her. I hurried up and got dressed, met up with her and to my surprise she had baked chocolate chip cookies for me. So sweet and unexpected.

We parted ways, and I pre-gamed with my friend & then eventually made it drunk to Fresh Dark Fest. The Fresh Dark Festival is a music festival celebrating bohemians, consciousness & free spirits. There was a full line up of performers, visual artist doing a live painting, jewelry and tons of positive energy. I enjoyed every minute of it. We sat outside watching some of the performers for a few minutes, and as it seems to be the theme for my week I got a random text from another high school friend whom I had not seen in years stating he had seen my check-in on Facebook and was in the area. He came to meet us and that made the night even more enjoyable.... I was joined by my best friends little sister later in the night & we all just enjoyed the energy and the people.

I also decided that I wanted to give up being an attorney, and devote my life to being a hippie.... Joking, but not really.

So many beautiful people & beautiful vibes........

It was a much needed deviation from the norm.

My Sunday has been low key, a much needed rest from a busy week and weekend.

I gave my daddy his gift for Father's Day & was blessed with a miraculous nap. Now I am shifting my focus towards getting ready to face this next week.

I'm grateful to be loved. I'm grateful for living.

Most of all, I'm grateful for the random moments that mean more to you than others probably would ever imagine.

I guess I am just grateful.

Surprisingly, these were not the only random outpourings of love I received. A friend randomly bought me a Groupon for an on-line novel writing course, and I talked to a very dear to me friend whom I met through blogging years ago. I received a card in the mail & numerous other visitors to my inbox. It is truly a great feeling to know that after it is all said & done there are people in your corner willing to go the extra mile to let you know how much they care...

True gratitude.

Le Diner En Blanc

Yesterday the much anticipated Diner En Blanc had its inaugural event in the city of Houston.

The event was originally scheduled to be held on May 30th, but due to the storms and floods in our city it was moved to June 14th. A lot of people were upset by the scheduling change, but in all honesty it worked out well for both my guest and I. Many had never heard of the event, and it wasn't really well publicized here. I only knew about it via social media, and was fortunate enough to get on board.

Diner En Blanc is a concept that started in Paris, France over 20 years ago, where a group of friends who hadn't seen each other in a long time decided to meet up at a random place for a picnic. They decided to all wear white so they would be able to recognize each other. That event then continued to grow, and now thousands gather in Paris and other cities around the world for the event.

A lot of preparation and planning went into the event....

Almost too much planning..... From the outfits, to the food, finding the right place settings, the right table and white chairs, to deciding the menu... it was a lot.

A lot of time... A lot of thought. Just a lot...

But once we made it to our meet-up point & to the secret location that the event was being held at, things began to fall into place.....

I was in charge of aesthetics and my date was in charge of getting our food prepared and organized to bring to the location. The inaugural event was held at Discovery Green, which is a popular outdoors destination in our city.

Of course the attire required for the event is all white, and it was truly magical to see the 800 plus guests all decked out in their white attire for a elegant and peaceful evening outside. Aside from a few raindrops, the weather cooperated with us.

I was a little disappointed to see so many people in off-white, ivory and khaki seeing as the rules stated any colors other than white would not be allowed. I sent the dress I originally wanted to wear back to LuLu's because it was Ivory... I found the outfit I actually ended up wearing the week of the event. I wanted to wear suede camel colored heels with my dress, but it had rained so much that I didn't want to risk ruining my shoes so I wore flats the whole night.

The humidity and heat somewhat died down once the sun went down.. We enjoyed getting to know the two couples sitting on either side of us and enjoyed our dinner of penne arrabiata and strawberry spinach salad. For dessert we had strawberry-banana gummy bears, coconut covered apricots and gourmet white chocolates from World Market.

There was a DJ providing the soundtrack for the evening, and a lot of patrons were dancing the night away. We were too hot for that much movement... Despite it being almost 9pm it was still hot, but I digress....

It was so much going on it was hard to capture every moment. I wish I could've taken pictures of some of the elaborate table decorations & crazy white outfits some participants came up with. Aside from a few organizational issues, date drama & humidity/scattered showers, the night turned out being better than I could have anticipated. My only regret is that more of my friends had of known about it and could've been able to attend & that I had of been able to share the memories with a significant other that would have been able to cherish the memory as much as I would have liked to.

Of course there is a major back story regarding the date drama & whom I was accompanied by, but that's neither here nor there. Yet another memory to add to the memory banks.... and a digress seems about right here.

I'm not sure if I will attend Le Diner En Blanc if it returns to Houston, but if I do I am happy I got the chance to see how it is done so I can be better prepared for next year.

Regardless, I am truly happy to have been a part of this event!

If only I could attend the Parisian version!! Definitely a bucket list aspiration!

And Then Nothing was the Same....

This past weekend was bittersweet. 

I said my final farewells to my grandmother at a lively celebration of her life in Louisiana. Although I had written her obituary, (and helped my sister, mom & aunt create the program) I wasn't able to reread it until the actual service. Seeing the words printed out made things too official for me. 

Sunrise. 

Sunset. 

I kept wanting to pretend like the weekend before was merely a dream, but Saturday in all its finality made things very real. Everything that happened was real, and she was gone. 

Surprisingly I didn't cry during the service. I was genuinely happy for her to be at rest. She was 84. Literally one day shy of making 85. She lived a long life and made an exit in grand fashion. Peacefully, and beautifully. Almost poetic in a sense. She was a woman loved by many, cared for by many and looked up to by many. It hurts to no longer have her here with us, but one thing she did leave behind was her legacy. 

Before we left Louisiana to head back to Texas, I took some pictures of her home for the last time. It's not that I feel as if I will never see it again, I just felt the overwhelming feeling of a shift in time. Things would no longer be the same. It brought me peace to capture that moment in time, with things just as she had left them. Her rabbits playing leisurely outside, her flowers in full bloom and the peaceful serenity surrounding me. 

She loved beautiful things, making things grow & flourish and nature. There were so many things that made her and being in her presence special. So many things about her that are me. 

I'm privileged to have known and loved her. I just hate the fact that things will never be the same....

Her Last Day.....

If someone told you that today would be your last day on this Earth, what would you do? Would you shrink down in fear or would you make an effort to see all the people you loved most, eat your favorite foods, travel to a foreign land, sleep in?

The possibilities are endless of things I would want to do, but unfortunately we never know when that day will come....

This past Saturday, my aunt and grandmother travelled down to Houston for the weekend. My grandmother wanted to stay in the city for the week and celebrate her birthday with us on June 1st before going back home to Louisiana. 

Saturday was just like any typical day....

We all gathered at my moms house per usual, and laughed & talked like we always do when we have family in town. My grandmother asked me if she looked ok, and I told her of course, and said she looked pretty. She asked, "Do I girl?" and I said "Yes girl!" She showed me her nails, which she had just got done, and said that she was hungry. My mother fixed her a plate, and when she finished she said that she was tired and wanted to lay down in the bed next to me. She soon fell asleep, and I left her so that she could rest quietly. 

As the evening progressed, another storm blew through Houston. Thunder boomed loudly outside, and eventually all the lights in the neighborhood went out. 

The sound of the thunder (and us laughing) was so loud that it woke my grandmother up from her nap and she walked to the front of the house to join us.

The storm raged on, and the darkness lingered. I went to lay down until the lights came back, and fell asleep to the sound of my family laughing, putting together puzzles & reminscing on the past. I didn't get up to join in, but found comfort in the sounds. 

By the time the lights came back on, it was late in the afternoon. My grandmother had brought gifts for my sister and I as she had started doing on all of her visits. She whispered in my ear not to argue over the items with my sister & I told her that I wouldn't because that's not how I roll. She laughed and went on about getting her things together to go over to my aunts for bed. I can't remember if I hugged her one last time before she left, but I do remember her making sure that we got everything she had brought for us out of the car before she left. 

Sunday, May 31, 2015, on the eve of her 85th birthday, my grandmother left this Earth and went home to be with the Lord. She had passed away peacefully in her sleep, and did not make it to see her birthday the next day. 

We were shocked, filled with grief, confusion and misunderstanding but it was nothing we could do because she was already gone. 

We all have been taking it hard, but in a sense I feel as if I would be taking it even harder if I was not fortunate enough to have spent her last day on this Earth with her. She was determined to get to Houston, to rest and enjoy her time with us before she had to go home....and she did. 

Had I known it would have been the last day I would see her alive, I would not have let her go. But that's not the way life is set up. I've tried not to think of too many what-ifs or what could've been done to prevent this from happening but I have given up. I know everything happened just like it was supposed to, where it was supposed to and when it was supposed to. I'm happy I was apart of the final pages of her story. I'm grateful for that last conversation, those last interactions and the final goodbye. 

It hurts, but I know we will heal. Her legacy will continue and I will always love her.

I just wish I had of known it was going to be her last day. 

Houston.

I went to bed last night with thunder, torrential rains & hail providing the soundtrack for my slumber. I didn't think much of it, as it has pretty much been raining everyday lately...hence my lack of activity & pep. 

But the stormed raged on well into the night..... And when I woke up this morning, I quickly learned that the majority of our city was either slightly flooded or underwater. My morning ritual consists of scrolling through my Facebook timeline, where I read horror stories of friends who were stranded overnight on the roadways, cars flooded out and freeways & neighborhood streets looking more like lakes than roadways. 

Fortunately my side of town was spared for once, but other places in the city not so lucky. The flooding in Houston & other parts of Texas has been really bad. Worse than I would've imagined after a action packed Memorial Day weekend. 

Needless to say, I didn't have court this morning & my route to work was among those experiencing flooding so my three day weekend became a four day... I just hate it was at the expense of our city. 

The road ways have been cleared and the water is receding, but the damage is done. 

Surprisingly after all the rain last night, the weather today was perfection. Sunlight beaming down, the quiet after the storm. 

Funny how storms can seem to rage on forever, only for the sun to shine once again. A cleansing, renewal and a new day. Light beaming, illuminating the way as we pick up the pieces and attempt to rebuild. 

More rain is in our forecast, but I am hoping it is nothing like yesterday. The Bayou City has seen many a flood, but this one definitely was one for the history books. 

I'm praying for a dry and prosperous week and upcoming weekend & sending positive thoughts and affirmations to those left recovering all that was lost. 

And I am definitely praying for Houston. 

The Beauty of It All.....

It's not often I allow myself to surrender control...
I live by the rules, sometimes painstakingly so.
I'm easily irritated by change, by lateness, minor deviations from the norm, haphazard spontaneity....
Lack of a concrete plan has been known to send me over the edge.
I crave control, I yearn for it.. It has been my ultimate desire.
My kryptonite.
My weakness.

But, oh. When I let go.

When I release the reins, transfer the power.
I shut down, I feel lost.
My heart races.
I need to know what time to be ready.
No, the precise time. An estimate isn't good enough.
The who, the what, the when, the why...

But when I let go.

This weekend I agreed to spend time with someone. As the day grew nearer, I requested details but was met with nonchalant responses & half-assed details. I was forced to deal with the numerous scenarios in my mind. As I ran through the possibilities of what could go wrong, I missed out on the opportunities to enjoy the excitement of what could go right. I was too busy worried about what the day would entail instead of finding amusement in allowing someone else to execute the perfect plan to make my Saturday enjoyable.

Oh, but when I let go.

When I finally stopped worrying, and wanting to be in complete control of the day, I was surprised to see that every detail had been thought out perfectly. A picnic in the park on Lake Houston, a menu, blankets (on top of tarp in case the ground was damp) and a backdrop accompanied by the perfect soundtrack to make my day memorable.

When I let go.

I allow myself the chance to bask in the moment.
To feel the wind blow through my hair.

The warmth of the sun, I feel every ray on my skin.
I taste the air, the sweetness of a flower blooming in the distance.
Honey suckle.
A bloom.

When I let go, I allow myself to be free & freeness isn't bogged down by stress.
It's light-hearted, it's carefree.
Time stops and you are in the moment.

You are still. You can truly enjoy.
The presence. The conversation. The togetherness.
The moment.

And when I let go, I am able to fully appreciate the beauty of it all......

My Sunday has been filled with laziness & love.

And of course, flowers.

It has been a very chill day that included a trip to the nursery.

It's been ages since I've actually been to a nursery to look at flowers.

I envision that when I finally purchase a home it being covered with all sorts of annuals & perennials.

My grandmother has a green thumb & the love of gardening was passed down.

Very fitting that a family outing to the nursery ensued on Mother's Day.

As my mother, sister and aunt perused the aisles, I allowed myself to get lost.

So much beauty...

The vibrancy of the petals, the fragility of the leaves, all deeply rooted in the enriching soil. The flowers don't force themselves to bloom, they have no control over which bee will cause cross-pollination, their color...the petals that will get blown away in the wind.

They just exist beautifully. The rain falls when it must, and when the clouds aren't too overbearing the sun is allowed to shine light strengthening all that's down below. But they have no control.

They take root where they are planted. They grow, and sometimes if they are lucky enough, they grow back the next season...but when they don't, they have at least left the memory of the beautiful flower they produced before they met their demise.

When I let go, the beauty of it all is evident.

I exist in the moment, I am the moment.

It's okay to let go. It's okay to live solely for the days that are not dictated by plans, the days where your schedule has gone to shit, but the memories last a life time. I can say that the times I've let go I have enjoyed myself.

When I give up the need to be in control, when I let go...

It has been beautiful.