The Spirit

I have come to the conclusion that for the majority of my life I have been living with a spirit of fear. Fear of failure, fear of being alone, fear that I have made the wrong decisions in life, fear of others, fear of change, fear of man....just overall filled with fear. Over the years this fear has caused me more damage than good. I have been afraid to say no, I have been afraid to say yes. I have caused myself physical and mental pain all because of my fears. I'm ashamed that my mind and thoughts have been riddled with so much self-doubt, guilt and fear. Fortunately, I have come to the realization that there is a problem and I want to dissolve my spirit of fear and lean 100% on the Lord, as He is truly the one in control. I've prayed, I've had others pray for me, I've had blatant examples in front of my eyes numerous times letting me know that there was no need to be fearful...even as I'm sitting here randomly typing this post I had to pause and look at my television (which is on the OWN network, a show called Help Desk with Deepak Chopra) and hear Deepak Chopra tell a woman that she needs to stop looking at life through a fearful prospective. Surely that moment in time was nothing but God letting me know yet another time that I do not need to approach life with a spirit of fear.
I've been so stressed out this past week and a half, anxiously awaiting a phone call and the entire week I have caused myself mental and physical anguish...repeatedly telling myself the worst of my fears, not proclaiming good news when in my heart I know God has never let me down. Even when I prayed for things, they may not have come immediately but the blessings always came right on time. I want to proclaim that I am fine. I am happy. I am headed towards greatness. I no longer need to live in fear. Everything is going to work out for my good.

Psalm 6
Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger
or discipline me in your wrath.
Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint;
heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in deep anguish.
How long, Lord, how long?
Turn, Lord, and deliver me;
save me because of your unfailing love.
Among the dead no one proclaims your name.
Who praises you from the grave?
I am worn out from my groaning.
All night long I flood my bed with weeping
and drench my couch with tears.
My eyes grow weak with sorrow;
they fail because of all my foes.
Away from me, all you who do evil,
for the Lord has heard my weeping.
The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;
the Lord accepts my prayer.
All my enemies will be overwhelmed with shame and anguish;
they will turn back and suddenly be put to shame.


Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.


In the midst of crazy week, I did find time to break away from my self-inflicted paranoia to enjoy an evening with my friends for our book club meeting. The book we read for the month of September was entitled Substitute Me by Lori Tharps. We went back to Boheme and enjoyed delicious gourmet pizzas, truffle fries and drinks as we discussed the novel. We had a really great time, and I enjoyed being able to take my mind off of all the things that had been going on. I really am glad that we have a book club that truly works. Everyone gets along and looks forward to getting together monthly to discuss all the books we've read. It's delightfully nerdy and I love it!!!!

Yesterday my sister randomly requested a piece of jewelry she let me borrow five years ago. As I was looking through all the jewelry I've accumulated over the years, I ran across an old charm I used to wear everyday on my necklace. It was a prayer/wish box, and of course I had to dig out the crumpled piece of paper to see what I was wishing for back then. I felt truly humbled when I read it.

I guess my wishes/prayers have always been the same in a sense: true love, restoration, strength, career, get my JD, pass the bar on the first time, and just be happy.

Well, I can say for the most part all of those prayers/wishes have been answered. I received my JD, five years ago, I am working in my career, I passed the bar (on the second time) and I am a lot stronger than I used to be, despite my short comings. It was a great reminder of the goodness of GOD. He always will take care of us, even if what we ask for doesn't come on our time, eventually everything will work out in the end.

My prayer is that I learn to trust in Him more, and just be more patient and realize that only He is in control. I want this so bad. I want my faith to be strengthened and I truly want to put all my reliance in Him.

As such, a new season is finally upon us. A fresh start. Fall is a new beginning and I welcome it & all that it shall bring.

Happy Sunday!!!