Part I

My office was closed in recognition of Memorial Day, so I have spent the majority of my Monday laid up in the middle of my bed listening to the torrential rainfall outside. My weekend has been so jammed packed with activity that I came to the decision that I needed to avoid all human contact today. So far, so good.

Sooooo, around this time last year a girlfriend and I decided to start a book club. We had been in two other clubs before that were both terrible, as in people showed up late to the meetings without having read the books, and didn't even discuss the books once we were there... We went to happy hour, so I could have an excuse to see her and get a copy of the Twelve Tribes of Hattie from her, and after a few Bellini's we decided we needed our own club. I sent out an email with rules & regulations (don't come to the meeting if you haven't read the book, don't come to the meeting if you are in a bad mood, etc. etc.)and the rest was history....

We started out with four people who regularly attend the meetings, lost two, and gained another four that have been able to stop in whenever time permits...but overall the dedicated people have made the club so much fun & definitely something we all look forward to each month.

On Friday night, we celebrated our one year anniversary at Ambrosia. I love Ambrosia, it's also the venue where I celebrated my birthday last November & I was happy to come back with the ladies. Our May read was Lies You Wanted To Hear by James Whitfield Thomson...

We enjoyed a great discussion on the actions taken by the characters in the book, devoured various delicacies and overall had a fantastic time being out on the town with the ladies....

We tried to find a sober person to take a group picture for us after the festivities, but since they have reserve happy hour the only patron we could find took a blurry photo for us... Still cute, but I digress.

In retrospect, I probably should have ended my night here...instead I went out to a random teeny-bopper club. Yeah, that's a story for another day & another time...

I went to bed around 2-something, and embarked on the deepest of sleeps....

Short & Sweet

I've worn something red everyday this week. It started off as unintentional, but today when I woke up I was like "what the heck", may as well keep it going. So enter the red dress I'm wearing today....

Yesterday, I wore a skirt I hadn't worn in a long time because I wasn't sure if I liked it or not. 

After seeing this picture I decided that I did..... 

I cannot wait for the long Memorial Day weekend. I probably have said it a million times, but I am. 

I am so ready for a break away from the everyday grind of the work place. Although I have plans for a large part of that weekend, I have scheduled some much needed downtown for Sunday and Monday. 

I want this summer to be epic. I'm praying that it will be. 

Weekend Wrap-Up

Sometimes it takes me a while to get going on Monday mornings, especially after an eventful weekend. I probably hit the snooze button atleast 10 times before I headed off to start my day...but I'm here! 

This weekend was another super busy one for me. With May comes the parade of summer birthdays, day parties, patio-hopping and other fun events. I try to get out as much as I can, especially during this time of year when there are so many activities in the city. I typically hate the summer. The weather here is disrespectfully hot & humid by this time of year, but surprisingly this weekend it was not and I actually enjoyed being out in the elements. 

People say I'm always out, but the other alternative would be me sitting in the house solo with the lights off over thinking life or something else lonely girl-like.....so I have to stay busy. But I digress. 

My weekend kicked off with a birthday happy hour for one of my law school buddies. We went to a wine bar in Midtown called 3rd Floor. She was bent on going somewhere that had a view of the city skyline. The drinks were really good at this venue and we had a great time chatting it up over cocktails. 

After happy hour, we attempted to find somewhere to go afterwards. Then we realized we are old and out of the loop, so we went home. Fridays in Houston are really hard to navigate. Everyone is either out with their significant others, at home, at an 18 and up spot (hell, no) or somewhere rachet. Aside from the more upscale or geared towards alternative lifestyles spots the options are limited for black professionals who want to go out after happy hour ends. 

I woke up Saturday morning in my feelings. I had to shake those feelings real quick, so I got out the house and started my day. 

The weather was perfection. I actually wanted to be outside, so my friend & I decided to find a dinner spot with a great patio. 

The odds were definitely in our favor. We decided to try a spot but were told it was an hour wait to be seated on the patio. We decided to wait for a seat inside and within minutes the manager who had told us an hour found us a spot outside! 

The patio was perfection! We had such a great time that we decided to reserve a cabana for this upcoming Saturday for our friends. It felt like we had been transported to somewhere else. Loved. It. 

I'm dedicating the summer to patio-hopping and trying out new venues. 

On Sunday, my good friend had her birthday brunch. It was super classy just like her and the food was delicious!

I will definitely have to add this spot to my brunch list. Everything was wonderful. But most importantly, she had a great time. 

After brunch, I headed home for some much needed rest and downtime. I was sleep before 10. 

This was an overall great weekend. I can't wait for the week to be over, and for the long Memorial Day weekend to kick off the summer. 

Happy Monday everyone! :)

About Confidence.......

People always asked me why I never smiled on pictures. Was it intentional? Was there something I was hiding? Looking back at old photographs, I realized there was a time in my life where I was always smiling, with no shame or thought behind it whatsoever...and then I stopped.

It appears as if the smiles disappeared sometime around the 7th or 8th grade. I tried to think back and rack my brain to determine if there was some event that caused my smile to disappear.... But aside from my own insecurities I could not recall a time when someone or something occurred that made me doubt myself and lose confidence.

I smiled my way right up until high school, and then I spent the next 4 years of life with a smirk permanently affixed to my face. Although I had it all going for me, I just didn't feel like I was pretty enough or even good enough to draw any attention to my so-called flaws...so I continued to mask all emotions and have a permanent emoticon face in all of my pictures....

I was self-conscious about my body (or lack thereof), my teeth, and my hair.... I was the only person I knew who did not have a relaxer up until I finally broke down and got one in college after the humidity did a number on my pressed hair during the brutal Baton Rouge summer time weather....

I lost myself so much during that time... I tried to change my appearance, I tried to make my hair like everyone else, I cut layer after layer trying to make myself look more mainstream... I did it all to fit in and make myself feel like a part of the crowd. It didn't work. When you lack confidence, you attract the wrong crowd. You do things to make yourself feel valued, but in the end those things strip you down further.... It was a rough...

This pattern of negative thinking and self-doubt followed me all the way through law school...and partially after...

It was a struggle that I faced for many years, until one day I woke up and realized that nothing was wrong with me...not my face, not my smile, not my hair... I was perfectly fine exactly the way I was.

It all started two years ago. My ex and I had just broken up & I decided to make a change. I told my beautician that I wanted to do something different with my hair and that I did not want to get anymore relaxers... Now I can't completely attribute going natural to that great of a shift in my thinking but it definitely played a big part in it....

After that, things just went upward for me... I prayed more, I had more faith, I cared more about the way I carried myself & one day a friend of mine noticed the difference. She told me that for the first time ever during the course of our friendship she could look and me & feel the happiness. I didn't understand it at the time, and surprisingly enough another friend of mine made a similar comment about happiness showing from within... All this time I had been thinking that by masking my emotions no one could tell how I felt inside, when all that time my mask wasn't hiding anything. Everyone could see the pain, the doubt, the insecurities... they could read right though the smirk and did the predators try to come and feed off those negatives vibes I was giving off... because once I changed, everyone who had been around when I was down disappeared because they could not stand to be around me while things were on the up & up...

Now, don't get me wrong... I still have my days where I feel blah, or not all great but I do my best to push those thoughts out of my head and plaster a smile on my face.... People wonder why I take so many selfies....Not because I'm obsessed with the pictures or that I'm trying to make up for anything lacking... It really just feels good to be able to see myself smiling in a picture or look at a photo of myself and not see the pain behind my eyes & find every reason to insult myself by the way I look.

I still slip a signature smirk in every now and then, but for the most part I no longer feel ashamed to show my smile in a picture... Sometimes I have to remind myself. Smile Fallon. You have so many reasons too. Change is hard. I had to train myself to be happy, and grateful because I spent so many years feeling the exact opposite. I have no reason not to be confident. I regret it took this many years for me to realize it, but there is no use in regrets when I have so many opportunities to make it right.

Confidence is a tricky thing. I think we are all born with it until we or the world convinces us that we are not. I don't know what triggered mine to disappear, but I try not to dwell on the past. Being happy and realizing the course of your life is determined a lot of times by your attitude & outlook on life makes a world of difference. Things didn't start looking up in my life, until I started looking up... And so I will continue to smile.

Basically...

Definition of Chill.

I've been in bed since 7 pm, with no shame what so ever.

Today was definitely a Monday. Nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened. Just work, work and more work. I was out of the office two days last week at a CLE, so I used today to get back in the swing of things.  

As it gets hotter outside, the air gets colder inside. Contemplating duct taping the vent above my desk.... 

I've been so chill lately. And not just from the air blowing on me..... 

Aside from a few outside the house moments this weekend, I've just been in a chill type of mood. I feel like that will change soon, but for now...bleh. 

I really just feel like laying around, reading and watching tv. I hope I'm not coming down with something. Hopefully, this feeling is just me still being exhausted from all the ripping & running I've done the last couple of weeks. Idk.....

Ah well, I'll just chill. 

May 1st.

There was once a time in my life when I was faithless. I didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I was filled with doubt. I lacked confidence. Despite all my academic achievements, I still yearned for more. The problem was, I didn't think I was worthy of more.

Growing up, my life was not simple. I dealt with a lot of external factors that caused my childhood to be less than ordinary. I focused all my energy into my school work, reading, and trying to better myself. Granted, I had support from my parents to strive to be the best, but I don't think they factored in all the possibilities of just what I could actually accomplish.

I don't think I had any idea of what I could accomplish. But I continued on.

I had no clue what I was capable of as a college student. I considered many career paths, but it was not until after I made a decision that would change the course of my life that brought me to where I am today. My parents thought it was a bad idea to take a semester off to work, but had I not I don't think I would be celebrating today the way I am. Instead of continuing my coursework for the semester, I began a full-time internship at the Louisiana State Capitol, where I worked with the Louisiana Legislative Black Caucus. That semester I had the pleasure of working with a young attorney who was just celebrating her 30th birthday. Our conversations inspired me. I wanted to be just like her, and at that moment I decided to become an attorney....

Rewind to the year 2008.... I made it through law school, but at the time I still lacked. I doubted. I considered my success a fluke. I didn't have faith in myself, I pretty much lacked faith all together. I knew I had to pass the bar examination before I would be able to practice law, and I told myself going in that I was going to fail. And, I did.

At the time, I looked at that failure as a punishment. I tried and I was unsuccessful. I gave up. Everything around me was falling apart. My relationship at the time was a nightmare, I couldn't work as an attorney without a license, so I was jobless. I was embarrassed that everyone publicly witnessed my dreams falling apart and I gave up. When I learned I had not passed the bar exam, I retreated. I disappeared from all social media, stopped answering phone calls, and I cried.

It was in those silent moments that The Lord spoke to me the most. I didn't want to try again, but I did. Those weeks I tried harder than I ever have before in life. I readjusted my mindset. I prayed. I scrawled my favorite scripture across my mirror, and I silenced all the doubt out my mind.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

It wasn't until I completely put my trust in the Lord, that I genuinely began to believe that I was worthy of His blessings.

I put my all into the February 2009 bar exam, and on the afternoon of April 30, 2009 I received the news that I had passed. I paid my dues as soon as I woke up, and by the morning of May 1, 2009 I was listed on the State Bar of Texas website as a licensed attorney.

May 1, 2014. Five years later, and although I still have my moments where I question my path, I have truly witnessed the goodness of God so I know that no matter how grim the future looks He will always make a way.

My life is nothing like I thought it would be, but it's everything that the Lord intended for it to be. I have been able to learn, and grow as an attorney. I've been able to help a lot of people, I've met people from all walks of life and I have tried my best to be the best that I could possibly be. My experiences have taken me down many unexpected roads, yet each step has brought me closer and closer to where I am supposed to be. I just made my month anniversary at my new firm where I am in a role that I didn't even realize was available to me, but I'm here. Looking back, I never imagined that I would have achieved so much or lived the life I have been living. I attribute it all to God. If it were not for my faith in Him, I would have given up. But..... it's five years later, and I'm still making it on May 1st.

I am beyond thankful.