Semi-

Semi- /ˈsɛmi/

1. Half.

2. Partly; in some degree or particular.

3. Almost.

Sometimes the ghosts of situation(relation)ships past rear their ugly heads bringing with them a world of doubt and apprehension. Those ghost remind you of the lessons that almost broke you, the ones that literally humbled you to the core. They bring with them a pain that performs a repetitive dance in your head just to ensure you remembered all the steps. Sensual and seductive, those moments lure you into a place where you no longer belong. The dull sting of remembrance is almost cathartic, soothingly pacifying your emotions like a numbing poison. But when those moments take control of you. The doubt you thought would never resurface, the insecurities that had been overcome, the fear of letting go, the anxiety caused by surrendering to love, the thought of trying again...How is it possible to move forward without letting the past play too big of a role in your present?

I'll be honest, this last week definitely took a toll on me. I went from a rose colored cloud of contentment, to being faced with a harsh but necessary reality. I allowed outside influences to plant seeds of doubt in my mind, and in turn those seeds grew into a dense layer of misunderstanding which prevented me from clearly seeing the vision. Once I lost sight of the vision, I lost touch with reason. Everything I thought no longer made sense, and in that moment I almost allowed myself to let go of something, someone that only made the mistake of being caught in my past taking over my present. I let the past circumvent my current situation.

I do agree that everything that happens to us in life either happens for a reason, or is a catalyst to take us to another point in our life journey. Hurt from past relationships sometimes lingers way past the expiration date. We program ourselves to think a certain way, sort of like a defense mechanism for our feelings. Impenetrable walls are subconsciously placed around our hearts, and we make others who just may have good intentions, scale those walls. Instead of facing those hurts ourselves, we task others with the job of convincing us otherwise, that no this is not how it is going to be this time around.

My life is completely different than it was this time last year. Tremendously different than it was six years ago, or nine for that matter. Stark changes. While looking at the calendar yesterday, I was transported to a time and place three hundred and sixty five days ago. I'd let my guard down. Gave up on what made sense, and allowed myself to completely let go. The whirlwind felt like life, despite the fact that I ignored numerous signs that I should have not have brushed off so easily. Albeit that time did lead me to want more, and expect more out of a partner, it also left me with a space that was too wide to fill. I made irrational decisions, fell too fast, ignored my instinct, lost myself. I started to believe that I was the only person who had been suffering in silence, just waiting for a moment, a minute, a meeting... just waiting on something. That is until I realized that I wasn't.

We all have hang-ups. The lesson is to not let them leave you jaded. It takes time to work through years of damage. It takes patience from yourself, and it takes the honesty of others that are brave enough to lay out their expectations, and set up a path to get to an end point. I can't beat myself up for mistakes from the past, nor can I impart the hurt caused by another onto anyone else that comes into my life. Sometimes it takes two people to meet in the middle, to help each other work pass their past and to a certain degree, I think we are both partly there. Cautious, but semi- moving pass the past to a comfortable state of almost. Semi- yet satisfied, and I'm okay with that.

The Little Things...

Life is different these days.
For once I don't dread Mondays.
I wake up on Tuesdays filled with anticipation.
Wednesdays come and go without a second thought.
Thursdays give me joy.
Fridays bring me peace.
Saturdays are my sanity.
My Sundays are my sacred space.
Every week is filled with opportunity.
Possibility resides around every corner.
I genuinely appreciate the little things...

A moment of honesty.
Life is not bad.
Yes, there can be bad days.
Lights turn red.
Exits are missed.
Messages can be misinterpreted.
To do list can fail to be completed.
But life overall is not bad.
Then there are the unfathomable things.
A loss of life.
Tragedy.
Misunderstanding.
Heartache.
Misfortune.
Hurt.
I have experienced it all.
And then I have been reborn.

I'm thankful.
Grateful for the little things.
Appreciative of the moments.
Longing for the memories.
The magic in a cool breeze.
The warmth of his hand in mine.
A village that uplifts me.
People who celebrate me.
Unconditional love.
Eyes of adoration.
The ability to live in my purpose.
Discernment.

Life is different these days.
For once I don't dread Mondays.
I go to bed filled with gratitude.
I have my freedom.
Independence is my own.
Each day is a clean slate.
I own my actions.
I've learned to not let others destroy me.
Every week is filled with opportunity.
Possibility.
Power.
I genuinely appreciate the little things.

A Lesson in Manifestation

Positivity was my arch-nemesis not always my forte. I approached life in such a manner that I always lowered my expectations. The sting of disappointment tends to hurt far less when you don't get your hopes up too high. The easy way out, you know, don't expect the best and you won't be dissatisfied with the less. Think less, get hurt less. A don't expect a win so you have no reason to be hurt by a loss type of existence... Pure genius, right?! It was a method that had saved my feelings plenty of times, but also altered my thinking. I didn't realize it at the time, but my low level thinking was stopping me from seeing myself, my existence, in a higher light. In essence I was willing these negative things to be my reality. I was speaking and thinking negativity over my life and not even realizing the power radiating within those thoughts and words.

On any given Sunday night, I could be found antagonizing over the impending doom also known as Monday morning. My conversations were filled with bah-humbugs. Ask how I was doing, and the respond more than likely would be an ok. Never a good, never a bad, just an ok... It became redundant. It was stifling my energy. I lost interest in activities. I found refuge in my couch, but my spirit remained weary. Then one day, I woke up and admonished myself. I said, bitch, you are the only thing making you unhappy right now. You don't even expect people to treat you well, and you have in turn been attracting people into your life that don't. I questioned my goals, and then realized I hadn't made any in quite awhile. I thought to myself, maybe I have been so complacent in my life journey because I haven't envisioned myself doing anything beyond the scope of my everyday mundane.

And then something happened...

I could call it fate, or maybe even divine intervention, but there was definitely a shift. I had a get together at my place and invited a hand-selected few individuals to come over. Instead of the typical game night or girls night, I specifically formulated a night for us to work on ourselves. I had notebooks, paper, magazines and cardboard to make vision boards, as well as other items placed around the house that bring comfort to me. That night we not only talked about things we felt were holding us back, we talked about our dreams and our desires. We wrote down lists of what we wanted to happen in our lives and we spoke life into each other. Encouragement, praising what we individually bring to the group and just giving thanks for all the bullets the Most High allowed us to dodge to get to that exact moment in time. Then we left.

Months passed, and I tried my best to focus on what I wanted in life. I avoided conversations that were draining to my energy. I stopped focusing on what I didn't have. I used the block button on my phone and rid myself of many nuisances. I changed my focus, and once I found myself making a conscious effort to think positive, positive things started happening in my life. The words we wrote down and spoke that night in my living room started becoming our reality. Good things started happening. Good connections began being made. New opportunities started presenting themselves. We had literally put our faith in God, and started speaking with power and expectancy. We began to reflect on what we wanted to be in this world, and the universe started shifting the pieces around to help us get there. I realized that manifestation was real.

I'm by no means an expert in this subject matter. Aside from independent research that I've conducted, I'm slowly but surely learning how to shift my way of thinking. I've witnessed that there is truly power in our thoughts and words. It is definitely a process.

These are a few of the lessons in manifestation I have learned thus far.

1. Be okay with allowing yourself to believe you deserve great things.

I had to remind myself that I am worthy of love. I had to physically take inventory from all the bad experiences I have had and make a list of all the qualities I wanted, and all the things I would not tolerate from another person. I literally stop myself when I start thinking something or someone is too good to be true. I force myself to flow, fluidity, flexibility, expectancy... I envisioned the love I've been chasing after my whole life, and once I finally accepted the fact that I was deserving of it, that type of love came into my life. I can see the love in my friendships, my interactions with people, how I deal with people and most importantly how I deal with myself.

2. Everyday is not going to be good day, and that's okay. Just know that one bad day shouldn't have the power to destroy you completely and if you feel like it is, then you have to adjust your thinking.

I stop myself from reminiscing too long on the bad things that have happened in my life. I'd be lying if I said that was easy. I often times battle with guilt or remorse, punish myself for some of the decisions I've made, but ultimately I try to tell myself that everything that has happened to me was for some reason or another.

3. Write it down. Everywhere.

I have words randomly displayed around my apartment. Love in the bathroom. Words of welcome to only good things at my entry way. Notebooks galore. I write down what I want, in detail, so that I can focus on it and visualize it every time I see those words written out.

4. Patience.

I had to learn to be patient these last few months, but the wait was well worth it. Even if what you want is not happening immediately don't lose hope or sight of what you want. The Universe moves when it wants to and fast, so be ready to embrace the shift when it finally is upon you.

I'm still learning, and trying to attract good things, good people and good feelings into my life. It is definitely a process, but the results are worth it. Hell peace of mind is worth it. There is power in your thoughts so be very careful with them. I'm all about the positivity. I'm all for Manifestation.

A Learning Curve

Many say the definition of insanity is someone doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results each time. Needless to say, I've been called insane too many times to count in my thirty-something years of living and learning in this lifetime. I'm hardheaded. I want what I want, I need what I don't. I'm easily distracted by all the pretty things, by the beards. I get my rocks off on limitations. Tell me I can't have something (or someone) and of course it is my life mission to prove to the world myself ... Well, prove to someone that I can indeed have what eludes me. I still haven't figured out who I'm proving this to or why, but I digress...

As I sit and reflect on my year, I realize that twenty-seventeen was filled with a lot of repetition. A lot of it was self-inflicted, with me making a conscious effort to continue behaviors or find myself in situations where I knew the likelihood of a repeat outcome were more likely than not. Other times, I believe the optimist hidden deep below the surface of my usual pessimism just saw that small glimmer of hope and genuinely believed that maybe things would turn out differently that go round. Granted, I was usually wrong. But in the midst of my failing to adhere to my resounding intuition, I finally came to the realization that all of the insanity I subjected myself to, the same thing, over and over again... accepting whatever just because I hate waving that white flag in surrender, ignoring signs, disregarding vibes, silent acquiescent... It was all necessary for me to finally learn an important lesson that had been escaping me for far too long. This last bout of insanity was necessary.

Contrary to popular belief, we all fall short of perfection. We aren't dropped into this world with a "My Life for Dummies" manual and enough pocket change to make it until we finally land our pre-ordained forever careers. As much as I love 'The Giver' please have read that book or at least seen the movie that is just not how our existence was meant to be. We have to figure things out on our own. A lot of mistakes have to be made, a lot of fuck ups, with even more what the fucks. Life is hard. Some of us learn our lessons the first go round, then there are others like myself who find themselves on that learning curve where it damn near takes an anvil falling on our heads to get the point. And that's okay.

A learning curve. That phenomenon where the same task is repeated continuously in a series of trials, or when a body of knowledge has to be learned over time. Some lessons take time to grasp. Some take pain, tears and confusion. Others may feel like a lot of time wasted, but in essence that time ultimately was spent making sure that all the knowledge that needed to be imparted in you truly was.

A learning curve.

My 2017 was exposure. I was gifted the same sets of problems wrapped in different packages. I was exposed to the bad, but in those moments I was finally able to recognize the good. People will continue to treat you the same way over and over again if you allow them to. To an extent, yes it is insane to stay in a situation that is completely breaking you. But in the midst of such, that learning curve is exposing you to the things you don't want while equally cultivating in you the things that you then learn that you need. For me it took a lot of realization on my part to finally see for myself the things I was settling for. Ultimately it was accepting responsibility for my actions that truly enlightened me. This year I was forced to ask myself why I was accepting so much less than I deserved. I had to face reality head on and truly take a moment to reassess my worth, and for me, self-worth was so important that it took time for me to master it. Self-worth was my body of knowledge that this year intended for me to master. It took time, but for the first time I am able to verbalize my desires and set boundaries for the things I am willing to accept in my life. Twenty-seventeen was liberating, and as it's ending I am thankful that I learned the lessons I needed to in Order to recognize the rewards that obviously lay at the end of that curve for me. Innuendo, don't mind if I do...

I struggled this year to be consistent. My doubts and insecurities sometimes overshadowed my reasoning, but in the end I am grateful. I am grateful for the direction. I trust myself enough now to trust the path that I'm on. I've finally made it to the other side of the learning curve and this year I did not curve out. I'm learning to accept the lessons, but most importantly I am learning to trust myself and my process. I'm not insane, I'm just in need of thorough instruction, with the promise of a gold star at the end of the lesson.

I'm ready for the reward.

No titles, just feelings...

As far as days go, one hundred and eight have passed since I last graced the pages of this sacred place. Life has been intensity, it's been peace. It's been solitude, it's been camaraderie. It's been excitement, it's been hope. It's been tragedy... It's been grammatically incorrect.
The days have been long and at times the nights even longer. I've tried and failed, liked and lusted, and in the midst of it all still found time to find my way back to myself. Needless to say, I have lived a lot during my time away. And as such, the pain associated with growth and change has held firmly to my collar in attempts of slowing down the process. I want to embrace change. I am hopeful. Almost as hopeful as I am resistant, but still hopeful.

I hate the month long hiatuses where I fail to forever commemorate the various benchmarks in my life. I wish there were more ways to record my undying need to trust my intuition and all of the mishaps that aided in this revolution. I'm here and I'm ready. Most importantly I'm real. In my heart I know I will forever be one who carries their emotions on their sleeve. But these last few months, this year really has taught me how to trust my emotions a little less than I trust my intellect. I am love. Love is all I desire most, so obviously it will be highly sought after. My love though, does not mean that I will continue to be accepting of any and every energy thrown in my direction. Be steadfast. Trust your first mind, your first impression... Just, trust you.

There is no rhyme or reason behind my musings. I just know I want these last few weeks of the year to be a reflection of all I have been through and grown through. I need love. Selfish love, self love. More than just artificial, unauthentic love. Consistency. Willingness. I need passion...
The eloquence of a breakdown is almost as beautiful as a breakthrough. These last few weeks have been release, they have been clarity, they have been hope. About the other things, I will relive them when the time comes. Until then I will bask in these feelings and embrace what is to come.

With love.

Accountability

I could blame my busy work schedule, or point fingers at numerous outside factors that have remotely nothing to do with my absence from this space. I could say I'm too tired to dedicate a fleeting moment of downtime, or blame my medication for seducing me into slumber earlier than anticipated. I could blame my dog, or my workout schedule. I could also say that I just don't have the desire to create memories in this place anymore. I could say a lot of things, but the majority of them would make me a liar.

I've been restless lately. In the midst of many breakdowns these last few months, I finally realized what my problem was...

My problem was me.

Inspiration comes from the most unlikely places. From a conversation with a friend, words of wisdom from a stranger, to a solar eclipse interrupting the monotony of your work day. For me, inspiration came in the form of disappointment from an 'almost' relationship gone South. It showed up on my timeline, words posted by someone I'd never met but who knew exactly what to say to give me hope. It coaxed me out of my comfort zone, and forced me to seek out others with similar interests as mine. I went to workshops, I joined organizations, I made plans. This time, I had to be serious. I had to realize that for so long I had been selling myself short, denying my talents and doing everything but what I should have been doing all these years. This whole month has been a constant reminder of who I am destined to be, and what version of myself I had been hiding from.

Now is the time, and for once I have to hold myself accountable.

My whole life I've felt like I had a story to tell, and a purpose bigger than what I had allowed myself to envision in my mind. Stories have always been dying to be told, words taunted me in my sleep daring me to write them down. Hell, I spent countless hours writing my own name, over and over and over again. The pen in my hand, the ink up against that paper brought solace and calm to my spirit. I've always wanted to creative. I have always wanted to write.

As it seems, God has placed a hold on the chapter of my life where I become a wife and mother. Although both are still my deepest desires, I know there is a reason I haven't reached that place in my life. I genuinely believe it is because I have work to do. When I say work I don't mean my Monday through Friday lady lawyer work... I mean purpose work. Passion. Healing. Creating. Expression. Story-telling. I want to create something that will outlive me, and make an impact on many. I want to entertain and educate. I want to spread laughter and emotion. I want to write.

My friend and I had a conversation earlier today about our goals, and committing ourselves to making 5 year plans. In 5 years, as hard as it is to believe I will be 40 years old. By that time, I will be a successful published author.. I will have created a brand and will have explored various means to express my creativity. I will still be a practicing attorney, but my passions will be my first priority. I will be happy. I will be loved. I will have accomplished so many things that I always thought too far fetched to be my reality. I will be successful. But most importantly, I will have shared a tiny piece of myself with the world.

I do plan to make a more concrete five year plan, but for now I felt the need to put the wheels in motion with this written manifestation. I have to keep pushing. I have to stay motivated. I must dedicate the time. Accountability. It will happen.

Seventy-six

Seventy-six days passed, and in that time, I left this realm. I transcended into the heavens, then was catapulted deep below the layers of the Earth. First seconds, then minutes, next hours, then weeks… months, two months to be precise, and finally my eyes reopened. I was reborn. I struggled with newborn eyes to see clearly. I didn’t want to see. Seeing meant acknowledging what was real, and I didn’t want to face this new reality. I wanted the past. I craved it like an addict going through withdrawals. I just needed one hit to satisfy my desire for my old existence. I just wanted to lay in this space, deep within myself, masked by my own solitude until I was ready to exist again.

It took a lot to take those first steps. I stood, my legs wobbly with realization that I would have to take these steps alone. I stumbled, scratching my hands as I made impact with the ground. It stung, but by now my body was beginning to adjust to abrasion. The sharp pain brought me back to my senses and forced me to get back up again. I painstakingly assumed the task of propelling myself forward. Every few steps I looked back hoping to catch a glimpse of him, of something familiar. The wind teased me with whispers of him saying my name, the leaves fluttered around me seducing my nose with whiffs of his cologne. I faced forward. Looking back wasn’t helping, so I pressed on.

In the distance, I saw promise. It just seemed so far away. It still seems far away, but I continue to move forward. Not because I wanted to, but because I had to. I owed it to myself to not get stuck in the in between. It was my life-long obligation to not get trapped in this place, this gray place, this place where I was constantly hopeless, weary and unwanted. I picked up speed, my strides lengthening as my body gained momentum. The memories hurt less as I moved further away from the past. I continued to gain my strength, no longer were my steps unsure. I proceeded with confidence. There was still time left to get right with myself. There was still time. I’ve had many reincarnations, but this time, it took me seventy-six days to come back to life. This time, I finally feel alive. This time I am complete.

.........

Quite some time has passed since my last entry, seventy-six days to be exact. Life gets complicated. Some days I struggled to find the will to get out of bed, yet alone write. Other days my desire was stronger than my destruction. I yearned to be myself again. More so a better version of myself. In the midst of it all, my body became as sick as my mind had once been. Numerous doctor visits, hundreds of needles, more medication than I would like to admit, then finally I felt a degree better. I sought out other means of self-care, visits to the Ayurveda practitioner for procedures I could barely pronounce, and healing from with in. I searched for peace in the form of plane tickets. Atlanta made me feel like home, and Mexico completely shook up my soul. I focused on me. For once, I shifted my attention from a we to simply focusing on loving me. Completely.

It takes time to heal.

A break sometimes, or a moment of separation to truly see for yourself that it is time to move on from whatever is holding you back.

Acceptance of reality can be beautifully painful, but necessary for your growth. For some it takes years, for others it could be months. For me, it took seventy-six days.