Purpose.

When the Universe decides to take control of your destiny there is no room for second guessing or hesitation... God already knows what time it is in regards to the course our lives are meant to take, it's just our job to stay patient and do the work necessary to get to that final destination. I'd given myself a deadline and that date was steadily approaching. February 1, 2018, I was either going to quit my job at the law firm I had worked for over 7 years and start my own practice or I was going to land another job that seemed to be more in line with what I want to accomplish in my legal career. I've been a licensed attorney for the last nine years, and over that time I've had the pleasure of doing and seeing some great things. I've also had a lot of moments where I questioned my decision to work for "the man" representing banks and various financial institutions instead of truly helping and representing actual people. After much deliberation, plenty of tears and hours of wanting to jump off a building exhaustion the Lord saw fit to lead me somewhere much closer to my destiny.

Current Gig: As of February 2018, I am now a staff attorney at one of the largest legal aid providers in the country. My practice area mainly consists of my drafting expunctions and non-disclosures for individuals trying to clear/clean their criminal records and assisting with the re-entry into society for those who may have succumbed to or been victims of our criminal justice system. I provide advice and counsel, as well as host legal clinic informing the general public about their rights as far as how to successfully navigate starting over with a fresh start at life.

I was tagged by one of my favorite blogger turned real life homies (Carla) to share my work story and here is how I go about my daily walk in my purpose.

Take us through a recent workday.

Being a single dog parent is hard, so my work day usually begins with getting Pepper ready and depending on where we lay rest that night (hope you didn't miss that casual announcement on Instagram) determines how my work day truly begins... I try to eat breakfast before I leave the house to avoid myself stopping for breakfast tacos or donuts en route to work. It takes less than 15 minutes for me to make my commute from home and then I get to ride the elevator up to this spectacular view.

With the sun beaming out my window I am able to typically start my day with a smile. I try to get to the office before 7:30 so I can leave early to avoid the downtown rush hour traffic. I check emails, usually write in my Law of Attraction journal, then begin to knock out my to do list for the day which can consist of talking with my clients, trading litigation strategies with the other attorneys in my office or drafting petitions to file with the court. There is definitely a need for the services we provide, so I'm usually pretty busy through out the day and time generally flies. My assistant is legitimately the best, and she makes my days go smoothly by completely holding me down until the day is over.

What apps, gadgets, or tools can’t you live without?

I'm not the most tech savvy person there is so my range of apps, tools and gadgets pretty much consists of FB Messenger/Google Hangouts and my journal. I'm old school, sticky notes also keep me sane...

What’s your workspace setup like?

What’s your best shortcut or life hack?

I'm still in the trying to figure that out. I do however need to implement some shortcuts and life hacks into my daily routine.


Who are the people who help you get things done, and how do you rely on them?

I have an entire village behind me. From my managing attorney and support staff, to my friends and mentors who are also attorneys, I have a lot of people in my corner helping me get things done. There's never a shortage of people who are willing to answer questions or just give me the motivation and support I need to keep pushing.


How do you recharge or take a break from work?

I enjoy reading, writing, travel and I am apart of a book club. I also love chilling with my family and friends, loving on my dog, scrolling down my timeline and spending time with my favorite guy. Which as of late he has pretty much been my escape from the daily routine, but I digress...

And leave you with this picture of us at a Gala we attended earlier this month:

What’s your favorite side project? Writing. And I hope the next destination on my journey towards my purpose is finally finishing my book...

What are you currently reading, or what’s something that you’d recommend? Currently reading An American Marriage, although I still have like 3 other books that I also started around the same time a few weeks ago but have not picked up since.


Fill in the blank: I’d love to see ______ answer these same questions.

Faith

What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

That's a hard question for me to answer. I've received so much great advice in regards to navigating my career path that it is hard to narrow it down to just one. If I were to just throw one out there, it would be "stop taking things personally" and instead of letting work stress me out completely just realize that my clients problems are my clients problems. It is just my job to help them figure out how to solve those problems.

Affirmation

It's been a month of reinforcement. A time for strengthening. Proclamations of feelings, safe guards being lifted and existing in such a way that I'm more receptive towards what's to come. I don't fear the future. I don't lament on the past. I'm merely enjoying this journey of the present with the utmost gratitude and admiration. Life has unabashedly changed it's course.

My former life no longer holds a place in the forefront of my mind. I look and acknowledge lessons, and feel comforted by my growth. Recognition shines so brightly that I have to squint my eyes when faced with a glimmer of who I used to be. Who I was no longer embarrasses me. I boldly and proudly laugh at the mishaps. It empowers me when those from that point in time try to approach me in the present tense with ghosts of my prior life. My shield is too strong. I've evolved too far past it for any left over shame. I harbor no regrets for her downfalls. Her insecurities navigated the way to my strengths and led me down the trail of where I am now. I don't shy away from remembrance. I'm finally able to look at those moments and be grateful for them. They were all worth it since they all brought me to this place in time. The ongoing.

I don't know what sparked the catalyst. It wasn't one singular circumstance or person. More like a slew of circumstance. There was no he who mysteriously rode into my life and saved me from myself. It took courage. It was a solo venture. I cultivated myself in fertile soil and finally began to grow.

You have to reach a breaking point in order to change your life.
A hard fought battle, but I'm grateful.
I am content.
I am here for this moment.

Semi-

Semi- /ˈsɛmi/

1. Half.

2. Partly; in some degree or particular.

3. Almost.

Sometimes the ghosts of situation(relation)ships past rear their ugly heads bringing with them a world of doubt and apprehension. Those ghost remind you of the lessons that almost broke you, the ones that literally humbled you to the core. They bring with them a pain that performs a repetitive dance in your head just to ensure you remembered all the steps. Sensual and seductive, those moments lure you into a place where you no longer belong. The dull sting of remembrance is almost cathartic, soothingly pacifying your emotions like a numbing poison. But when those moments take control of you. The doubt you thought would never resurface, the insecurities that had been overcome, the fear of letting go, the anxiety caused by surrendering to love, the thought of trying again...How is it possible to move forward without letting the past play too big of a role in your present?

I'll be honest, this last week definitely took a toll on me. I went from a rose colored cloud of contentment, to being faced with a harsh but necessary reality. I allowed outside influences to plant seeds of doubt in my mind, and in turn those seeds grew into a dense layer of misunderstanding which prevented me from clearly seeing the vision. Once I lost sight of the vision, I lost touch with reason. Everything I thought no longer made sense, and in that moment I almost allowed myself to let go of something, someone that only made the mistake of being caught in my past taking over my present. I let the past circumvent my current situation.

I do agree that everything that happens to us in life either happens for a reason, or is a catalyst to take us to another point in our life journey. Hurt from past relationships sometimes lingers way past the expiration date. We program ourselves to think a certain way, sort of like a defense mechanism for our feelings. Impenetrable walls are subconsciously placed around our hearts, and we make others who just may have good intentions, scale those walls. Instead of facing those hurts ourselves, we task others with the job of convincing us otherwise, that no this is not how it is going to be this time around.

My life is completely different than it was this time last year. Tremendously different than it was six years ago, or nine for that matter. Stark changes. While looking at the calendar yesterday, I was transported to a time and place three hundred and sixty five days ago. I'd let my guard down. Gave up on what made sense, and allowed myself to completely let go. The whirlwind felt like life, despite the fact that I ignored numerous signs that I should have not have brushed off so easily. Albeit that time did lead me to want more, and expect more out of a partner, it also left me with a space that was too wide to fill. I made irrational decisions, fell too fast, ignored my instinct, lost myself. I started to believe that I was the only person who had been suffering in silence, just waiting for a moment, a minute, a meeting... just waiting on something. That is until I realized that I wasn't.

We all have hang-ups. The lesson is to not let them leave you jaded. It takes time to work through years of damage. It takes patience from yourself, and it takes the honesty of others that are brave enough to lay out their expectations, and set up a path to get to an end point. I can't beat myself up for mistakes from the past, nor can I impart the hurt caused by another onto anyone else that comes into my life. Sometimes it takes two people to meet in the middle, to help each other work pass their past and to a certain degree, I think we are both partly there. Cautious, but semi- moving pass the past to a comfortable state of almost. Semi- yet satisfied, and I'm okay with that.

The Little Things...

Life is different these days.
For once I don't dread Mondays.
I wake up on Tuesdays filled with anticipation.
Wednesdays come and go without a second thought.
Thursdays give me joy.
Fridays bring me peace.
Saturdays are my sanity.
My Sundays are my sacred space.
Every week is filled with opportunity.
Possibility resides around every corner.
I genuinely appreciate the little things...

A moment of honesty.
Life is not bad.
Yes, there can be bad days.
Lights turn red.
Exits are missed.
Messages can be misinterpreted.
To do list can fail to be completed.
But life overall is not bad.
Then there are the unfathomable things.
A loss of life.
Tragedy.
Misunderstanding.
Heartache.
Misfortune.
Hurt.
I have experienced it all.
And then I have been reborn.

I'm thankful.
Grateful for the little things.
Appreciative of the moments.
Longing for the memories.
The magic in a cool breeze.
The warmth of his hand in mine.
A village that uplifts me.
People who celebrate me.
Unconditional love.
Eyes of adoration.
The ability to live in my purpose.
Discernment.

Life is different these days.
For once I don't dread Mondays.
I go to bed filled with gratitude.
I have my freedom.
Independence is my own.
Each day is a clean slate.
I own my actions.
I've learned to not let others destroy me.
Every week is filled with opportunity.
Possibility.
Power.
I genuinely appreciate the little things.

A Lesson in Manifestation

Positivity was my arch-nemesis not always my forte. I approached life in such a manner that I always lowered my expectations. The sting of disappointment tends to hurt far less when you don't get your hopes up too high. The easy way out, you know, don't expect the best and you won't be dissatisfied with the less. Think less, get hurt less. A don't expect a win so you have no reason to be hurt by a loss type of existence... Pure genius, right?! It was a method that had saved my feelings plenty of times, but also altered my thinking. I didn't realize it at the time, but my low level thinking was stopping me from seeing myself, my existence, in a higher light. In essence I was willing these negative things to be my reality. I was speaking and thinking negativity over my life and not even realizing the power radiating within those thoughts and words.

On any given Sunday night, I could be found antagonizing over the impending doom also known as Monday morning. My conversations were filled with bah-humbugs. Ask how I was doing, and the respond more than likely would be an ok. Never a good, never a bad, just an ok... It became redundant. It was stifling my energy. I lost interest in activities. I found refuge in my couch, but my spirit remained weary. Then one day, I woke up and admonished myself. I said, bitch, you are the only thing making you unhappy right now. You don't even expect people to treat you well, and you have in turn been attracting people into your life that don't. I questioned my goals, and then realized I hadn't made any in quite awhile. I thought to myself, maybe I have been so complacent in my life journey because I haven't envisioned myself doing anything beyond the scope of my everyday mundane.

And then something happened...

I could call it fate, or maybe even divine intervention, but there was definitely a shift. I had a get together at my place and invited a hand-selected few individuals to come over. Instead of the typical game night or girls night, I specifically formulated a night for us to work on ourselves. I had notebooks, paper, magazines and cardboard to make vision boards, as well as other items placed around the house that bring comfort to me. That night we not only talked about things we felt were holding us back, we talked about our dreams and our desires. We wrote down lists of what we wanted to happen in our lives and we spoke life into each other. Encouragement, praising what we individually bring to the group and just giving thanks for all the bullets the Most High allowed us to dodge to get to that exact moment in time. Then we left.

Months passed, and I tried my best to focus on what I wanted in life. I avoided conversations that were draining to my energy. I stopped focusing on what I didn't have. I used the block button on my phone and rid myself of many nuisances. I changed my focus, and once I found myself making a conscious effort to think positive, positive things started happening in my life. The words we wrote down and spoke that night in my living room started becoming our reality. Good things started happening. Good connections began being made. New opportunities started presenting themselves. We had literally put our faith in God, and started speaking with power and expectancy. We began to reflect on what we wanted to be in this world, and the universe started shifting the pieces around to help us get there. I realized that manifestation was real.

I'm by no means an expert in this subject matter. Aside from independent research that I've conducted, I'm slowly but surely learning how to shift my way of thinking. I've witnessed that there is truly power in our thoughts and words. It is definitely a process.

These are a few of the lessons in manifestation I have learned thus far.

1. Be okay with allowing yourself to believe you deserve great things.

I had to remind myself that I am worthy of love. I had to physically take inventory from all the bad experiences I have had and make a list of all the qualities I wanted, and all the things I would not tolerate from another person. I literally stop myself when I start thinking something or someone is too good to be true. I force myself to flow, fluidity, flexibility, expectancy... I envisioned the love I've been chasing after my whole life, and once I finally accepted the fact that I was deserving of it, that type of love came into my life. I can see the love in my friendships, my interactions with people, how I deal with people and most importantly how I deal with myself.

2. Everyday is not going to be good day, and that's okay. Just know that one bad day shouldn't have the power to destroy you completely and if you feel like it is, then you have to adjust your thinking.

I stop myself from reminiscing too long on the bad things that have happened in my life. I'd be lying if I said that was easy. I often times battle with guilt or remorse, punish myself for some of the decisions I've made, but ultimately I try to tell myself that everything that has happened to me was for some reason or another.

3. Write it down. Everywhere.

I have words randomly displayed around my apartment. Love in the bathroom. Words of welcome to only good things at my entry way. Notebooks galore. I write down what I want, in detail, so that I can focus on it and visualize it every time I see those words written out.

4. Patience.

I had to learn to be patient these last few months, but the wait was well worth it. Even if what you want is not happening immediately don't lose hope or sight of what you want. The Universe moves when it wants to and fast, so be ready to embrace the shift when it finally is upon you.

I'm still learning, and trying to attract good things, good people and good feelings into my life. It is definitely a process, but the results are worth it. Hell peace of mind is worth it. There is power in your thoughts so be very careful with them. I'm all about the positivity. I'm all for Manifestation.

A Learning Curve

Many say the definition of insanity is someone doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results each time. Needless to say, I've been called insane too many times to count in my thirty-something years of living and learning in this lifetime. I'm hardheaded. I want what I want, I need what I don't. I'm easily distracted by all the pretty things, by the beards. I get my rocks off on limitations. Tell me I can't have something (or someone) and of course it is my life mission to prove to the world myself ... Well, prove to someone that I can indeed have what eludes me. I still haven't figured out who I'm proving this to or why, but I digress...

As I sit and reflect on my year, I realize that twenty-seventeen was filled with a lot of repetition. A lot of it was self-inflicted, with me making a conscious effort to continue behaviors or find myself in situations where I knew the likelihood of a repeat outcome were more likely than not. Other times, I believe the optimist hidden deep below the surface of my usual pessimism just saw that small glimmer of hope and genuinely believed that maybe things would turn out differently that go round. Granted, I was usually wrong. But in the midst of my failing to adhere to my resounding intuition, I finally came to the realization that all of the insanity I subjected myself to, the same thing, over and over again... accepting whatever just because I hate waving that white flag in surrender, ignoring signs, disregarding vibes, silent acquiescent... It was all necessary for me to finally learn an important lesson that had been escaping me for far too long. This last bout of insanity was necessary.

Contrary to popular belief, we all fall short of perfection. We aren't dropped into this world with a "My Life for Dummies" manual and enough pocket change to make it until we finally land our pre-ordained forever careers. As much as I love 'The Giver' please have read that book or at least seen the movie that is just not how our existence was meant to be. We have to figure things out on our own. A lot of mistakes have to be made, a lot of fuck ups, with even more what the fucks. Life is hard. Some of us learn our lessons the first go round, then there are others like myself who find themselves on that learning curve where it damn near takes an anvil falling on our heads to get the point. And that's okay.

A learning curve. That phenomenon where the same task is repeated continuously in a series of trials, or when a body of knowledge has to be learned over time. Some lessons take time to grasp. Some take pain, tears and confusion. Others may feel like a lot of time wasted, but in essence that time ultimately was spent making sure that all the knowledge that needed to be imparted in you truly was.

A learning curve.

My 2017 was exposure. I was gifted the same sets of problems wrapped in different packages. I was exposed to the bad, but in those moments I was finally able to recognize the good. People will continue to treat you the same way over and over again if you allow them to. To an extent, yes it is insane to stay in a situation that is completely breaking you. But in the midst of such, that learning curve is exposing you to the things you don't want while equally cultivating in you the things that you then learn that you need. For me it took a lot of realization on my part to finally see for myself the things I was settling for. Ultimately it was accepting responsibility for my actions that truly enlightened me. This year I was forced to ask myself why I was accepting so much less than I deserved. I had to face reality head on and truly take a moment to reassess my worth, and for me, self-worth was so important that it took time for me to master it. Self-worth was my body of knowledge that this year intended for me to master. It took time, but for the first time I am able to verbalize my desires and set boundaries for the things I am willing to accept in my life. Twenty-seventeen was liberating, and as it's ending I am thankful that I learned the lessons I needed to in Order to recognize the rewards that obviously lay at the end of that curve for me. Innuendo, don't mind if I do...

I struggled this year to be consistent. My doubts and insecurities sometimes overshadowed my reasoning, but in the end I am grateful. I am grateful for the direction. I trust myself enough now to trust the path that I'm on. I've finally made it to the other side of the learning curve and this year I did not curve out. I'm learning to accept the lessons, but most importantly I am learning to trust myself and my process. I'm not insane, I'm just in need of thorough instruction, with the promise of a gold star at the end of the lesson.

I'm ready for the reward.

No titles, just feelings...

As far as days go, one hundred and eight have passed since I last graced the pages of this sacred place. Life has been intensity, it's been peace. It's been solitude, it's been camaraderie. It's been excitement, it's been hope. It's been tragedy... It's been grammatically incorrect.
The days have been long and at times the nights even longer. I've tried and failed, liked and lusted, and in the midst of it all still found time to find my way back to myself. Needless to say, I have lived a lot during my time away. And as such, the pain associated with growth and change has held firmly to my collar in attempts of slowing down the process. I want to embrace change. I am hopeful. Almost as hopeful as I am resistant, but still hopeful.

I hate the month long hiatuses where I fail to forever commemorate the various benchmarks in my life. I wish there were more ways to record my undying need to trust my intuition and all of the mishaps that aided in this revolution. I'm here and I'm ready. Most importantly I'm real. In my heart I know I will forever be one who carries their emotions on their sleeve. But these last few months, this year really has taught me how to trust my emotions a little less than I trust my intellect. I am love. Love is all I desire most, so obviously it will be highly sought after. My love though, does not mean that I will continue to be accepting of any and every energy thrown in my direction. Be steadfast. Trust your first mind, your first impression... Just, trust you.

There is no rhyme or reason behind my musings. I just know I want these last few weeks of the year to be a reflection of all I have been through and grown through. I need love. Selfish love, self love. More than just artificial, unauthentic love. Consistency. Willingness. I need passion...
The eloquence of a breakdown is almost as beautiful as a breakthrough. These last few weeks have been release, they have been clarity, they have been hope. About the other things, I will relive them when the time comes. Until then I will bask in these feelings and embrace what is to come.

With love.