She.

Today she was the ocean. 

Restless, and moody. 

Constantly in motion.

Waves of this, emotions raging, swirling, gurgling...

Waves of that, flowing, peaceful, calming, serene. 

Fluid. 

Surf. 

Ripe tides. 

Lost at sea, 

because see she...

Is all encompassing. Sustaining, yet dangerously unpredictable. 

Depth.

To the ocean floors, back up to sea level, 

because she levels.. up. 

And see, some days she is like the ocean, 

violent, yet specific, Pacific even.. 

Blue & mesmerizing. 

Some days she is the ocean & 

Others she is the sea. 

Puerto Rico.

Life has been so intense lately that I almost forgot I was even on vacation a few weeks ago. Last month a friend and I went to Puerto Rico on a whim & it was definitely a great time! One day I was sitting in my office bored working, and my good friend Noelle posted a travel deal for round trip tickets from Houston to Puerto Rico. I have been talking about a beach trip for so long that I thought what the hell, may as well buy it. Right as I was whipping my American Express card out my wallet, another attorney in my firm was walking into my office to gossip to discuss important lawyer things and asked what I was buying. I told her and seconds later she was back in her office buying the ticket to go with me. We didn't have any major to-do's in Puerto Rico outside of eating everything in sight, but I knew I wanted to see the El Yunque Rainforest while I was there. And with that we set off to see Puerto Rico!

I tried to share pictures here that I did not post to Instagram, but as you can see our trip consisted of a lot of beach, a lot of eats & and a whole lot of rainforest. We also went clubbing one night, had dinner at Bar Gitano & lunch at Barrachina, which are both restaurants I would recommend to any one visiting Puerto Rico. The only thing we did not get to do while there was visit the Barcardi Factory, but in all honesty my body probably could not have handled anymore rum coursing through my veins, but I digress. Puerto Rico was a good time, and I cannot wait to go back!

PS, I have no idea why I have been at such a loss for words lately. I have so much going on in my mind, but when I sit down to write the thoughts are usually too jumbled to be formulated into rational words, or I open up my laptop and instantly fall asleep. I'm in a rut, that I hope to get out of sooner than later. Just know that a lot has been going on, and once I have energy I hope to get it all out so I don't forget any of it. Life has just been a lot. Just, man listen...

May.

I had to take a moment for myself and ride the wave that was known as April out. April was a cluster. April was long days, and even longer nights. It was stress, it was loss, it was passion, it was disappointment. Unexpectancy. Expectancy. Expecting. Adventure. April brought desire, it brought yearning. It brought deception & decisions. April was truly a whole entire Lifetime movie & I am over it. 

My trip to Puerto Rico (which I'll discuss in detail later) was right on time. It took me out of the city right when I needed a break from the reality I had been living. I got the opportunity to be away from the world, even though I still had access to the world at the tip of my fingers... But sometimes fully removing yourself from a situation is necessary for one to gain clarity and see things for yourself that you normally would not have seen while being caught up in the moment. A lot was happening behind the scenes during my absence from Houston, and I needed to be a way so I could come back stronger than I was when I left. 

With all of that being said, without even saying too much, I decided to take a new approach this month and instead of dwelling on what went wrong in my March & April, I would focus on what will be going right in my May. 

Romanticizing. I saw a friend post a quote one night that resonated with my soul and my current situation. 

I've come to the conclusion that I have a bad habit of romanticizing situations. I can't want something so bad that I self sacrifice myself, and give people credit that they do not deserve. I can't ignore the obvious. I can't sell myself short. I can't accept positions that I don't deserve. I can't sacrifice respect for attention. I just cannot settle for whatever I'm being given, just because I'm tired of waiting for what I truly deserve. I made some mistakes that I know were necessary for my growth, and to gain insight into lessons I still needed to learn. I will be more aware the next go round. I will not make a situation out to be something that it will never really be. I will no longer allow myself to deal with whatever just so I can say I have someone I'm dealing with. Never, again. 

Mercury is in retrograde so I can probably attribute that to a lot of the emotional roller coasters I resided on in April. One thing I have been told is that during this time you have to remain as focused as ever, and just realize everything that is going on is merely going on because of the retrograde and not because your life is just that tragic. 

So instead of wallowing, I'm putting that energy elsewhere and into something more positive. When I feel some type of way, I'll write it out, I'll downward dog it away or I'll just put my thoughts into something positive until I feel more at ease with things. Meditate, read or just cultivate my thoughts somewhere less toxic to myself. 

Personally, I know positivity has often times been easier said than done for me but I feel like a shift is on the horizon. I'm tired of not feeling my best self and I know I have the power to make things better. The Universe is receptive to the vibes you're throwing out and I want to send out nothing but good things so even better things can come back to me, so for May, my only goal is to get myself back together. 

And what better way to start than going to see Beyoncé tonight at NRG. If that's not a catalyst for greatness this month, then I don't know what else is.....

With that being said.. 

Come through, May....

Too Much

Today is one of those stare out the window, wonder where the sun has gone, spend too many minutes ignoring emails, while you try to figure out your purpose in life kind of days for me. I'm legit in my office wrapped in a blanket, questioning if I have enough money in my savings to give up this attorney gig & just start over writing poems on the beach or teaching yoga for puppies.

 I'm just not feeling it today. 

But I digress.  

Maybe the extreme level of not feeling it has taken hold of me because I know my vacation is on the horizon. I just have to muster through two more work days, then tropical delights await me in Puerto Rico. 

This month has just been.... Heavy. So much has happened in such a small amount of time that it's slightly overwhelming. Work is nonstop, the days are a blur and I'm genuinely exhausted. I really need a nap, a massage, and another nap. I do not see how people are managing their lives in addition to being married, taking care of children, and keeping enough sanity to avoid backflipping off a bridge. I mean sheesh, I feel like I'm barely hanging on with just the puppy & he atleast can be crated. 

I'm ranting and complaining, but I am seriously wondering how it works. And let's not even begin to discuss the gym, and meal planning and everything else being grown as fuck entails. I don't know if I need a husband or a personal assistant at this point.....

But it's all good little Fal. You're striving and surviving just like everyone else. Figuring it out along the way. Learning and adjusting when need be, but my God when does it end? < Yes, I took an interlude to give myself a pep talk.... >

Surely life is more than just being grown. Locked into routine, day after day a constant repeat of work, work, work, work work or is that what vacations are made for? Because at this point even my social life is accessible via my Outlook calendar with no room for spontaneity. Dates are strategically planned between he (him's) and I's meetings, work days & to do-s, coupled with, but first let me take my dog out then I can's....

Like real talk, how are you are all not completely insane yet??? 

April.

I know it gets redundant after awhile, but seriously how is it already April? Like the year is already a quarter of the way over...   And here I am, still feeling like I have all the time in the world, yet time is constantly passing by without my knowledge or permission. I guess that's why they say live everyday to the fullest, because at this rate those days certainly can appear as numbers with no recollection of who, what, when, where how or why about them. 

For me, April 1st brings about my official two week countdown to Puerto Rico..... Which hopefully entails my working out some more, and buying another cute swim suit that I can wear without shame. Notice I said "some more" because I really haven't been working out at all.  Daylight savings time stole my thunder. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. 

I have been so busy with work, and deadlines and just overall stress that I need a vacation badly. My car has been giving me issues, and I've just been tired. Life can creep up on you with no warning. Another focus of mine for this month is to work on making some fiscally responsible decisions. Save money, spend wisely and try to make every transaction worth something. 

Planning & purchasing. I don't have anything planned after I get back from Puerto Rico for the month of May. I don't like that. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that some sort of excursion drops in my lap. I'm also planning a friends 30th in New Orleans, so this month will spend a lot of time focusing on those details. I'm also assisting with a bachelorette weekend in Florida. I need to start thinking of things to do in that regard as well. 

April may not know it yet, but I plan to get back on board with getting my life together. I had fun (entirely too much fun) in March, but I got overall lazy. I need for April to be real namasté. 

We shall see how it all goes! 

A Whirlwind.

Tumultuous or rapid: the date is March 22, 2016, and the term whirlwind would be the only accurate depiction of how these last few weeks of existence have been. I'm probably being only 75% overly dramatic at the moment, but in a nutshell these days have been moving by hella swift. 

It feels like I was just in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and here I am now less than a month away from my "spring break" trip to Puerto Rico. I was doing so well with my daily work outs, but the way day light savings time was set up, I've fell off tremendously. But, with 24 days to go until I will be beachside, I still think there is a chance for some slim fine miracles to occur. If not, I have some pretty cute caftans. Moving along.....

Oh life. God has a sense of humor. Sometimes I can't tell if He's making me go through experiences for the lesson, or merely for the laughter. His laughter of course, not mine at least until a few weeks later when things don't seem as bad. I just cannot. Condensed version of this story, if something or someone seems too good to be true, or if something happens too easily, it probably isn't worth it at all. I had a "situation" fall into my lap recently, and it took a lot of convincing on my part to not let the situation get too complicated, messy or drama-filled. Although it was rather tempting, I had to recheck my own self worth and just say that apparently I need to still be waiting for the right person and not settling, forcing or sharing that right person with anybody else.  But I digress.

 Friends can definitely help you put a lot of things in perspective. I had to call an executive advisory board meeting to work myself out of this situation. I'm grateful for the genuine people in my life who aren't afraid to tell me I'm screwing up, or even be so brutally honest with me that I have no choice but to bravely face reality. Friendship has always been something I hold up there with my list of most important things. Beside my family, my network of REAL friends have kept me sane plenty of days. Friendship to me isn't based off the number of years you have known someone, how you know someone or why you know someone. It's all what they bring into your life whether it's support, encouragement or even just a non-biased opinion. One thing I truly hope is that I never lose sight of the importance of friendship. While the roles change, and the frequency of interactions may lesson as life gets too busy, I never want to end up one of those people who gets so caught up in what they have going on that they've lost all of their friends. I understand that marriage, and having children changes things, it just seems like a sad existence to lose that part of yourself completely. It seems miserable actually. So kudos to everyone who has managed to not forget about your single girlfriends who may not be living the same existence as you are, but who still value and cherish your friendship and still need you in some form or capacity. End rant. 

There are only a few days left in March, so I am hoping they are good ones. T'is the season for Spring finally making an appearance, even though it's been slightly cold here. I just want to enjoy these extra hours of sunshine as best as I can. March, I can say has not been that bad to me. I'm actually looking forward to riding this wave.....

March!

At only 9 days in, I can honestly say that my March is off to a waaaaaaaay better start than my January and February were. Not sure if it's a mental thing, or just a motivated to do better thing... but whatever it is I am here for it. 

Updates. I told myself that I needed to get myself in check. Physically, mentally, spiritually, just basically everything-ally. 

One thing I really needed to do was get my prayer life back on track. Moment of honesty, I'd gotten so used to the habit of not talking to God, that I almost completely forgot to do it all together. I wasn't praying. Not at all. Not for anything. Not even consciously thinking about it. How? I don't know. I can't pinpoint a when, why or true how, I just know I wasn't doing it. After a verbal lashing from one of my best friends, Itold myself that I needed to stop with the bs & get that consistent relationship and open dialogue back in tact. My soul depended on it. And thus far, I have been doing better. But I really want to focus on prayer, and strengthening my faith as I know that has always been something I struggle with. 

My body. In no means am I overweight. I weight 136lbs, which is like 6lbs above my goal weight.  But am I in shape? Hell no. Am I ready to sport a barely there swim suit on the beach in Puerto Rico next month with no shame? In my opinion, no. But I am working on it. I said I would work out everyday this month for 30 mins in the morning and learn a new yoga pose at night before bed, and put forth a consorted effort to either run (brisk walk?) or utilize the gym in my complex over the weekend. So far, so good. Except my hair. That needs help. It's hard being natural & wearing your hair straight, which I prefer and working out. It has definitely been a struggle on that end. 

I am having to get used to washing it everyday and just throwing coconut oil in there and praying for the best when I take my scarf off in the morning. I'm lazy as heck and genuinely despise working out. Like I hate it. I enjoy the burst of energy, but everything else about it I'm good. My whole body hurts. Apparently that's a good thing, but I'll pass. 

I'm trying to combat the negativity, the overthinking, the hibernation from the world...... all of that I'll say is definitely in the realm of work in progress. I'm looking forward to daylight savings time though and the extra sunlight to help me out on that end. 

March has promise and I can definitely dig that. I'm looking forward to everything that it has in store & I am hoping that it is way more than my expectations. 

But March is....... so far, so good.